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Employment surges as Americans get off their lazy asses

WASHINGTON, DC—After a loss of nearly 8 million jobs since 2007, the Department of Labor reported an unprecedented surge in employment Tuesday morning when Americans across the nation finally decided to stop lazing around and get their good-for-nothing asses to work. “This is a major step forward,” said President Obama while addressing the unmotivated nation [...]

Man on double date realizes he’s the 4th wheel

AUSTIN—On Friday, local computer programmer Daniel Cole realized he was the fourth wheel on his double date after a string of events suggested that his presence at the date was completely unnecessary. “I suspected that I was the fourth wheel when all three of them sat on the same side of the table,” explained Cole, [...]

Of course class did the assigned reading

CAMPUS—Of course students in Professor Lawrence Stein’s E316K class did the assigned reading, according to various students who showed up to the class today. Professor Stein was skeptical that the entirety of the class would read the 120-page assignment over the controversial demographic shifts of indigenous tribes of Guinea-Bissea  in the post-WWII era. After conducting [...]

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Media

Presents From a Friend

Friends give each other presents without any romantic connotations.
written by: Matty Greene

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Features

Class of 2010 Graduation Catalog


Graduation time is upon us, and what better way to commemorate the occasion than by purchasing some of these high-quality, reasonably-priced, and seemingly-arbitrary assortment of Longhorn-branded items. Your friends and family will be enchanted with your purchase of these Bevo-approved products! click for larger Graduation Announcements Let your family and friends share in your graduation [...]

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Opinion

What would the world be without societal norms? I used to know a guy a named Norm. What century is it?

Oh, well I’ll be damned if it isn’t a disrespectful young hooligan sitting in front of my porch with spiky, green hair. I oughta teach you a thing or two about going with the grain once in a while, paying your respects to Uncle Sam and all that. I mean, really—What would this world be [...]

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Sports

Air Bud put down after missing critical free throws

FRESNO—With his team trailing 87-86 with four seconds left in overtime, Air Bud missed two key free throws, leading team officials to make the difficult decision to take him to the locker room and put him down. “It is clear that his basketball skills just aren’t what they used to be,” said coach Dirk Robinson [...]

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Interview

Dave Willis & Dana Snyder of Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Born out of an episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast that never aired, Aqua Teen Hunger Force has been the longest show to run on Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim,” making it the only one of their four original programs to still be on air. Dave Willis (co-creator and voice of Meatwad/Carl) and Dana Snyder [...]

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