• We should all demonstrate our dedication to green initiatives the same way UT does: by artificially re-sodding the same acre of the South Mall every semester.

• It’s never too late to start looking for apartments in the fall. However, it is too late to live in a neighborhood that is not currently embroiled in gang warfare.

• Intramural softball is a great way to hang out with friends, have a good time, and prove to your dad that you can catch a pop fly, goddammit.

• Wow, who would have pegged that lonely, middle-aged, pale, slightly overweight, Caucasian systems analyst with a creepy beard as a child pornography enthusiast?

• Why yes, fine peddler of herbal plunderage, I would love to dabble in the wonders of OG Kush. Doth thou accept Bevo Bucks?

• As thousands of UT students attempt to out-Whataburger one another, the streets will run red with fancy ketchup.

• So you spent four years going to college instead of spending two weeks learning how to Photoshop a diploma?

• Look at the final 12 hours you have to write that thesis. Now look at some Seinfeld reruns.

• Students still in long-term relationships will once again take their significant others to Kerbey Lane, once again show them the Turtle Pond, and once again apologize for expecting sex immediately upon arrival home.

• Your afternoon nap will be cut short yet again. You win this round, guy outside with noisy leaf-blowing device.

• At the end of May, 85 percent of beer-fed, sunlight-deprived dorm plants will somehow still be alive. See, miracles do happen.

• Only a few more weeks left in the semester to perfect your PCL “please-god-don’t-attempt-to-interact-with-me” face before finals!

• In a show of solidarity with Tiger Woods, the UT Golf team has also agreed to stop cheating on their wives with slutty UT cheerleaders.

• UT has recently been named one of the Most Stressful Campuses, which is the reason why the administration has decided to change our mantra to, “It ain’t easy being a hipster.”

• The only myth that was busted when the guys from Myth Busters came was “women watch ‘Myth Busters’.”

• #justinbieberjustinbieberjustinbieberjustinbieberjustinbieberjustinbieber