April 2009
News
Texans left with no choice but to commit Stupidest Act Of All Time
Idiot Consensus agrees: Secession would be fuckin' sweet
AUSTIN — After enduring three months of excessive federal-government spending and intrusions into states' rights, Texans, led by Governor Rick Perry, have been left with no choice but to do one the most incredibly stupid things ever. During a "tea-party" protest last week, Perry announced his severe disappointment with President Obama, citing his unabashed dismissalof states' sovereignty as his reason for proudly supporting the most ill-envisaged, embarrassingly moronic idea in recent Texas history.
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News in Brief
- 10,000 dominoes used to create most elaborate failed marriage proposal ever
- Attention whore also a whore whore
- Verizon "network" really tired of walking everywhere for commercials
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40Acres411
Hey boys and girls, the school year’s just about over and anticipation for summer is waxing faster than a Paul Mitchel intern at a job fair. As far as gossip goes, we here at the Travesty are on the front line of the battle of scandal hill, the front bikini line that is! Read on to awkwardly discover the short-and-curlies gossip caught in the collective teeth of the university at large that is The Forty Acres.
Have you noticed how much time Kinesiology freshman Bryan Rosen has been spending at Gregory Gym lately? According to lifting partner and unsatisfied girlfriend Jennifer Dickinson, one of Brian’s arms is stronger that the other (if you know what she means)! Jennifer always knew he preferred the overhead jerk; the jerk over head that is! We understand, Bry-Man, sometimes it’s hard to get a spot when lifting, let alone a G-spot!
And while we’re on the subject of spots, you’ll never guess what Plan II senior Jessica Burbank did in order to remain in the most centrally located faculty parking lot on campus. Let’s just say that, “when this illegally parked vehicle is rockin’, don’t come a’busing-your-authority-to-barter-parking-ticket-leeway-for-sexual favors-in’. At least now we know what the F stands for on Jessica’s counterfeit parking permit.
But Jessica isn’t the only one in the tow-away zone. Government junior Carl Mancioni has been seen double parked with his girlfriend Stacie’s best friend Patricia in the women’s rest room at the Copacabana dance club downtown.
Speaking of Latin heat, natural sciences major Kevin Meyer took first place in his co-op’s salsa competition. It turns out that the special ingredient in his Pico-de-Galileo induced a number of pseudo-existential conversations with the 17th century scientific revolutionary himself. The person everyone really got to know was Ellis, Ellis Dee that is!
April 2009
- That South Mall gardener should have been fired years ago. Who can’t keep grass alive for six months?
- In an indication of harsh economic times, reggae-enthusiasts were relegated to smoking five-dollar crack at Marley Fest.
- Clap Your Hands Say Boooooriiiiing!
- Graduating seniors will chuckle at those who need to wake up early to register for classes, until they realize that they are about to spend the next few years waking up early for jobs they hate.
- Yo mama is SO fat, her coronary artery is partially occluded, causing her to be at risk for long-term health problems, and could potentially lead to a massive myocardial infarction. Contact your physician today about the life-changing benefits of Lipitor.
- The only guns that should be allowed on campus are deez guns. *Points to biceps*
- I was gonna write an obligatory 4/20 Around Campus, but then I got high. Then I got high. Then I got high.
- A student moving out of his apartment will find the Oreo cookie he thought he’d lost on move-in day, and he’ll eat it.
- Pedestrians ill-prepared for exams will count the near-miss with a car as a missed opportunity.
- "Breh" is the new "Bro," brah.
- Graduating fraternity members will lament the fact that they wont have fun, friends, or sex in graduate school.
- Hot girls walking through West Campus on Saturday nights are straining to hold in wet, juicy farts until you pass them.
- The new frozen yogurt establishments are great for a light, healthy treat, but we recommend heaping on a pound of brownie bits, some butterscotch, and a few jumbo chocolate chips.
- Students thinking, “Hey, the revolving door in the PCL is working, the revolving door in the PCL is really working!” will end up trapped in the revolving door of the PCL.
- Hey President William Powers: We’ve been trying to get your attention for an entire year, and to this point you haven’t acknowledged our existence. Please, just shoot us an email or something. Oh, and turn to page 11.
