• Aggies’ incessant accusations that Austin is composed of nothing but ‘peace-loving hippies’ and ‘T-sips’ will come to a close when a few of them get lost in an East Austin ghetto.
• A freshman will have a life-changing epiphany about God, science, and the nature of mankind after seeing a debate in the West Mall. Meanwhile, the guy sitting next to you is masturbating to stay awake.
• Environmental activist douchebags will protest Santa’s use of non-renewable coal in stockings.
• It’s time to scrape your “Kinky for Governor” bumper sticker off your ’94 Ford Ranger. Why the hell not?
• Hey, UTC bomb threat dude, shit or get off the pot.
• People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk are on your left, dude.
• Don’t fucking sit next to me, queef. There are five empty rows ahead of us.
• Your Ugg is untied.
• Nobody admires you for pronouncing ‘gyro’ correctly.
• Telling your Latin American Studies professor to “shut up” loudly in the middle of class does not make you the King of Spain... or does it?
• The guy playing sudoku in the Union is doing unspeakable things to you in his mind.
• Students from broken homes will whine about having to have two Thanksgivings while ignoring the homeless on the Drag.
• The new American Apparel will target emaciated hipsters, people who object to Urban Outfitters’ child labor practices, and Drag customers who just plain like pictures of big ol’ asses.
• Snooty English majors will point out inaccuracies in the ‘Beowulf’ movie, and then graduate and make lots and lots of money.
• Hilarious guys in Dobie will punch through the ceiling tiles as asbestos floats through the air, while Dobie girls be chattin’.
• People who complain about the holiday season starting earlier every year are probably just too poor to afford Christmas.
• Hey, hot girl! Feel free to emasculate me in front of all your slutbag friends anytime! I enjoy our platonic friendship!
• After multiple indiscretions last weekend, promiscuous girls will realize that binging and purging won’t shrink that gut for the next nine months.
