• You, Madam, riding the bus! I can tell by the way you let your book satchel claim a seat unto itself that you fancy yourself to be “all that” in addition to a bag of potato chips, but I assure you, you are neither!
• Rule #1: If your professor doesn’t show up within ten minutes, you’re allowed to leave. Rule #2: If someone mentions Rule #1 you are required to pummel him/her.
• Adderall may serve as a gateway to hardcore drugs, but no Adderall is a gateway to failing your classes and not fitting in with the cool kids.
• Surprisingly, the worst part of being a male cheerleader isn’t having to tell your parents that you’re gay.
• Your age should be inversely proportional to the amount of questions you have for the professor during the lecture, you outspoken menopausal fartknocker.
• The Campus Computer Store is really great, if you’re a know-nothing sucker.
• Hey, did you hear about the party after the show?
• If you’re feelin’ kinda old, and your twat is growing mold, gonorrhea (clap clap clap) gonorrhea (clap clap clap).
• Have any of you noticed that Austin is a little bit... weird?
• UTPD are actually watching Police Academy 4 on their patrol car LCD screens.
• Great, Jack Hanna’s coming to UT. We couldn’t get Steve Irwin? He’s what? When?
• Claims of George Bush being a war criminal on bathroom stalls were actually written by a liberal professor who hopes the President one day takes a shit in Burdine.
• The Forty Acres Fest served as a another remarkable opportunity to remind the public that all that University has plenty of tables.
• Hey man! Congratulations on becoming someone’s coffee fetching bitch for the entire summer! I sure wish I could make zero dollars an hour!
• Seniors out of high school become college freshman, but seniors out of college become the freshman of life! Seniors of life become the freshman of DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!
• The speech team will laugh, cry, and learn a little more about themselves when they realize they all share the same gay dad.
• Wanna see boobs? Next time you see girls sunbathing topless face down, yell, “Is that Mathew McConaughey over there?” They love that guy!
