Chief Executive Officer, David Novak: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so don’t hesitate to fill your plates with this gorgeous spread courtesy of Chipotle. Be sure to try the pico—it’s really something else. First up, though, I’m going to pass the baton over to Jackie Trujillo in R&D. He’s got some really exciting news. Synergy, people, synergy!
Research And Development Director, Jackie Trujillo: Let’s get down to business: I touched base with our R&D lab guys last week, and it looks like they’ve isolated the principle compound associated with “bacon” flavor, which will allow us to circumvent the livestock requirements. Not only will the synthetic bacon be cheaper to produce, but will last up to 23 years at room temperature. Gentlemen, the bacon revolution has arrived!
CEO Novak: Thanks, Jackster. Moving forward, we need to talk about putting out some fires with regard to the Bolivian incident. I’m going to pass the baton to Public Affairs Officer Jonathan Blum.
Public Affairs Officer, Jonathan Blum: As of yesterday, the situation on the ground is relatively static. We still have to deal with the 580 mountain-offensive deaths, but it’s looking like the new puppet government should keep those under wraps. To be frank, I doubt we’ll ever hear from those commie bastards again. Additionally, we’ve left several agents behind to deal with Prime Minister Jalajorge should any problems arise. If the press starts poking around asking questions, route them back to my office and I’ll send them a release about the Bacon Bacon Volcano Fire Zesty Fresco menu. Novak, that’s all I’ve got. Passing the baton back to you.
CEO Novak: Thanks, Jon. By the way, where did we get this baton?
Public Affairs Officer, Jonathan Blum: Target, sir.
CEO Novak: Well, I think it was a great investment. Now I’m going to pass the baton over to Mickey Pant, Director of Marketing, who I believe has an update about the 7-meal plan.
Director of Marketing: As we all know, the introduction of the Fourth Meal was met with tremendous success. Starting next month, we will implement the Fifth Meal, which will prepare Americans for the Sixth Meal. We hope that this next step will be met with the same level of success as steps 1-4, and we will eventually be able to fully institutionalize a nine-meal standard in American culture.
CEO: Excellent. Now, let’s turn it over to the director of HR to describe the new benefit packages.
Director of HR: Well, this year we are introducing the new supreme benefits package and the volcano benefits package in addition to the current baja benefits package. In lieu of worker’s compensation, the volcano package gives you one volcano taco for every work related injury. The supreme package is exactly like the volcano package, except with sour cream.
CEO: Thank you. Now, be we adjourn, I must mention the issue of the taco supply, which has dominated the headlines for the last few weeks. Many of you have been asking, and we will be having a meeting this Wednesday to discuss the possibility of Jack-in-the-Box’s entrance into the Taco Cartel. That’s all we have for today, gentleman. See you all next week.