Employment surges as Americans get off their lazy asses

This lazy asshole finally got a job. Photo Creative Commons

WASHINGTON, DC—After a loss of nearly 8 million jobs since 2007, the Department of Labor reported an unprecedented surge in employment Tuesday morning when Americans across the nation finally decided to stop lazing around and get their good-for-nothing asses to work.

“This is a major step forward,” said President Obama while addressing the unmotivated nation from the White House. “Individuals all over our country have stopped being completely useless and gotten God-damned jobs.”

According to the Labor Department’s report, employers added over 720,000 new jobs this month as the nation’s schlubs finally stopped wasting all of their time watching TV and playing video games.

“For the past three years, Americans have just been bumming around all day,” said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. “It was about time they stopped being worthless pieces of shit and started making themselves useful.”

“People these days have no idea how difficult things once were,” Solis added, before launching into a lengthy tirade about how hard she worked as a child to feed her family.

While a select few Americans have been pulling their weight, the United States job market suffered tremendous losses in all industries between 2007 and 2010 as the amount of wasted potential increased to a record 67 percent.

But as Americans finally grow weary of twiddling their thumbs, it appears the clouds may have parted.

“Freeloading off your parents is something you could do forever,” said 31-year-old Randy Wendt from the dark, cluttered basement of his parents’ house. “Aside from revolving your life around their ultra-specific sleep schedule and constantly being told to pull your own pathetic slab of weight everything is pretty much ideal.”

Wendt, who recently began employment as a sales representative at a local Home Depot, quickly realized he had to stop stuffing his face with Cheetoes and turn off his X-Box in order to help the nation’s economy.

“It feels good being a contributing member of society,” Wendt said as he re-organized the colors of the store’s carpet samples. “I may have lost my job as a highly paid marketing consultant, but all I really needed to do was get my ass in gear to find a new career path.”

Still, while some Americans have finally decided to stop slacking off, an estimated 13 percent of the workforce are determined to continue vegging out on couches doing God knows what all day.

“The economy in Detroit has seen very little of the recovery,” said Jacob Felmon, a no-good sack of shit who probably hasn’t even picked up the classifieds. “I’ve been doing my best to secure a new job, but times are tough.”

Felmon proceeded to walk aimlessly around his house for the rest of the day in boxers and a white tank top.

The many Americans who decided to stop sitting on their asses have inspired others throughout the nation, as the education rates of inner city neighborhoods jumped 44 percent earlier this morning when residents finally put down their crack pipes and picked up books.