No one can read local doctor’s suicide note
BETHESDA—Police authorities were perplexed Wednesday in their effort to decipher the unintelligible writing of an apparent suicide note left near the body of recently deceased urologist Dr. Franklin Kemp. After spending hours attempting to decode Dr. Kemp’s penmanship, police chief Barry Willis remained baffled in his search for more answers. “Well, the first few words are definitely, ‘Goodbye, cruel…something, something, something,’” explained Willis as he struggled to sound out the next few words of the opening sentence. “Tell my family, smiley face, squiggly line; I can’t read this. If he would have just typed it, maybe we could have found out what that smiley face really means.” According to Dr. Kemp’s will, half of his estate will go to his first-born child, or possibly a born-again Christian child, or something like that.
• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?
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• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…
• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?
• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.
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• It’s like wine, only cooler!
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• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?
• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.
• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!
• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.
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• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?
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• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.
• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen
• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.
• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.
• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF
• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.
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• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.
• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.
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