You should just forget about her and eat me

By Double Whopper, with Cheese

I’m really sorry it happened again, baby. She just doesn’t appreciate you the way I do. I know that it’s hard being lonely, but remember; I’ll always be there for you. I may not be human, but my two flame-broiled patties and extra jalapeños taste way better than companionship. You should just quit worrying about her and take a bite out of me.

Look on the bright side; you still have delicious friends like me. I’ll never cheat on you or dump you. I’ll always be reasonably priced and cooked to perfection: filled to the brim with ripe tomato slices, fresh onions, sweet pickles, and your choice of mayonnaise or mustard.

So why don’t you go ahead and put me in your mouth. It will make you feel better.

Remember how we used to hang out every night? No matter how bad your day went, I would be waiting there, warm and forgiving. You could just forget about all the bullies and responsibilities and lose yourself in my seven layers of flavor. Those were good times. Back then, I only cost $3.78 even with the extra bacon.

Remember; don’t focus on how bad you feel. Focus on how good I taste. It will be just like the good old days, before that dumb girl got in our way. We can spend even more time together now that she’s out of the picture.

To be honest, you two weren’t really a good match. You just didn’t have the same interests. She was obsessed with stupid stuff like “exercise” and “friendship.” Who needs that? She had awful friends, too—white rice and fruit cups. How pretentious can someone be? Salads? I’ve got all the lettuce and tomato you’ll ever need.

She was always trying to get between us, saying stuff like, “I’m worried about your eating habits.” What habits? We’re just friends. We were together before she came into your life and made you join L. A. Fitness. You never needed to change. You’re perfect just the way you are. I think your double chin is sexy. It makes you look unkempt and devil-may-care.

Go ahead and put a little extra ketchup on me. You deserve it after what you’ve been through.

Look; I know that I can’t really talk and that my voice is just a manifestation of your thoughts, but that just proves how well I know you. My stare can pierce right through your soul, even though my eyes are the plastic googly kind that you pushed into my sesame seed bun. We were meant to be together, just like beef patties and cheese.

I don’t mean to be clingy…remember, you still have other friends too! Onion Rings, Fries, and Dr. Pepper as well! By the way, have I introduced you to my friend Funnel Cake Sticks yet? She just moved here…she’s really funny and sweet. I think the sooner you get back out there, the sooner you’ll get over your ex.

Now stop moping and eat me. And never forget that I love you.