• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.