Travesty Exclusive: Barack Obama visits UT

Thursday, August 5^th

10:32 AM: President Obama secures a great deal through Southwest Airlines to fly the entire family to Austin for $600…round trip!!!

11:00 PM: Barack awakes in a rush and informs Michelle that he forgot to check-in for their flight. He quickly connects to Macbook One but is only able to secure access to the B seating group. Curses!

Friday, August 6^th

11:50 AM: The first family lands in Austin and is given full police escort to Torchy’s Tacos. The leader of the free world eats a Trailer Park prepared dirty while the first lady decides just to snack on some queso. She isn’t that hungry.

6:00 PM: Giddy to see himself speak on Monday, President Obama secures a spot near the front of the line to receive tickets. He’s brought along Iranian security briefings and a Sudoku to pass the time.

6:45 PM: The President of the United States of America discovers that Michelle packed him some Hostess Cupcakes. She’s the best!

8:00 PM: Still waiting, the leader of the free world begins to get antsy. America’s Funniest Home Videos is starting.

10:00 PM: President Obama secures bleacher seats to his speech. Success! He now heads to 6^th Street to meet the family at Hut’s Hamburgers.

10:10 PM: The first family heads back to the Embassy Suites. They order the movie Avatar and call it a night.

Monday, August 9^th

6:30 AM: Today is the big day! Barack wakes up early. The excitement of watching himself speak has left him restless. He goes to the bathroom to freshen up and spots his reflection in the mirror. He gives himself a minor concussion while trying to hug himself in a frenzy.

8:00 AM: Tempering his excitement, the commander-in-chief compiles a mixed CD of songs to play on the loud speakers at Gregory Gym prior to his speech. His iTunes informs him that the CD he is trying to burn is too long, so he makes the agonizing decision to keep “Damn Cold Night” by Avril Lavigne in favor of “Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog.”

11:30 AM: After speaking at a DNC fundraising event, President Obama speaks on the phone with Ban Ki-Moon, the Secretary General of the UN, while playing Super Mario on his Gameboy on the way to UT campus.

12:00 PM: Obama arrives at DKR Texas-Memorial Stadium, where he is met by Mack Brown and permitted to ride on Bevo up and down the field at his leisure.

1:15 PM: Shirtless, Bill Powers saunters out onto the stage at Gregory Gymnasium. He informs the excited that crowd that he has just totally blasted his pec’s. After holding for 10 seconds for applause, Powers introduces “that other President, I guess.”

1:21 PM: Five minutes into his speech, the CIA measures “hope” levels in the audience and is pleased to find that they exceed well beyond 80 percent. “Change” still lags however and President Obama is asked to deliver a heartfelt anecdote about a personal meeting with an underprivileged farmer.

1:24 PM: “Change” levels now stand at 93 percent.

1:32 PM: President Obama’s teleprompter malfunctions briefly. He begins reciting lyrics to “Bad Romance” in a stern but respectful tone.

1:37 PM: While expressing nationwide struggles in relation to student loans, President Obama briefly lets it slip that he is indeed the antichrist and that his undying faith in the almighty Allah, praised be he, has compelled him to destroy our evil Western value system.

1:38 PM: Realizing his folly, President Obama references Snookie. Crowd cheers wildly.

1:45 PM: President Obama concludes his speech and wanders into the crowd, shaking hands with adoring supporters. Hundreds of virginities reported lost.

3:30 PM: The commander-in-chief misses his return flight back to Washington D.C. while waiting in line at Schlotzky’s at Austin-Bergstrom Airport.