Job market just as afraid of you as you are of it

■ Both of these people are equally terrified of one another. Photo Creative Commons

WASHINGTON DC—A report released on Wednesday by the Labor Department revealed that despite the loss of over 8.8 million jobs since 2007, the United States job market is actually just as afraid of you as you are of it.

“The mere mention of the job market sends shivers up the spine of even the bravest Americans,” said Secretary of Labor Hilda Sollis in a press conference. “However, if they were able to see the job market in its natural environment, they would understand that it is actually quite docile.”

The report addresses the fear most Americans have of the imposing job market, which has the capability to ravage even the most tenured employees and trample over the hopes of the highest achieving graduates, but claims that it only lashes out when provoked.

“It’s a defensive creature that only seeks to protect itself,” Solis said, citing the job market’s ability to keep a majority of Americans employed every year. “If you approach it with bad intent or poor interview skills, the job market will have no option but to strike back in fear.”

Sollis went on to say that Americans have long debased the job market’s environment with risky financial investments, mortgage backed securities and college graduates with public relations degrees.

She added, “Anyone who has ever seen one of the cute Craigslist job postings for personal assistants would have to be heartless to think the job market is anything more than a sweet, gentle creature.”

But not everyone sees the job market as harmless.

James Gale, a former copywriter and recent victim of the job market, claims he was attacked by the beast during an average day at work.

“It was just a typical day, when all of the sudden my boss begins discussing the company’s need to downsize with me,” Gale said. “It was a truly traumatizing experience.”

Mark Evans, a recently fired sales associate, has devised a set of rules to approaching the job market.

“You have to remember that it can smell the fear on you,” Evans said, wearing camouflage fatigues and clutching a bowie knife. “You just have to walk right in there with your pin stripe suit and leather briefcase. Look that HR coordinator straight in the eye and never let them see you blink.”

According to Sollis, citizens can take much simpler steps to protect themselves when approaching the job market.

“It’s mostly important to not antagonize the job market and treat it with the respect it deserves,” she said. “Also, can we try spell checking our resumes? This is a basic skill, people.”

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