You bring out the shitty Spanish accent in me

by Alex York, One Cool Hombre
I saw you from across the room and it’s pretty clear that you’re the hot Latina chica de mis suenos. I just wanted to come over and say “hola” to you, and ask if you wanted to get a marrrgarrrita or something sometime. As you can probably tell from how I’ve been rolling my r’s, I took some Spanish in high school. I won’t say that I’m fluent, but I definitely wasn’t the whitest guy in the room, if you know what I mean. I might be a bit rusty, and I’m not quite sure what’s compelling me to do this. It’s just that something about you brings out the shitty Spanish accent in me.
So, qué tal? I’m pretty más o menos myself. I was thinking about getting a burrito from Chipotle earlier, but they are just not auténtico in the least. I usually don’t settle for pico from north of the border unless I bought it at a Fiesta. Otherwise it’s always too mild for me. De verdad. I make guacamole on a regular basis too. Just some cilantro y juice de lime, nothing too fancy. And I refuse to buy chips that don’t say “El Milagro” on the bag. I mean Tostitos? Creo que no.
Entonthes, I haven’t studied abroad in Spain or anything, but my friend did, and he said it was pretty awesome. I feel like you can’t really understand a language until you immerse yourself in its culture, or your friend has. He said there are like, a million cathedrals there (which is awesome). I’m a Catholic, so I can definitely appreciate the Gothic architecture and stained glass windows my friend told me about. I think you would have liked it.
Ay Dios mío are you serious? I ENCANTA Daddy Yankee. The music at this party is pretty malo. I wish they’d play some reggaeton for once. I pretty much grew up listening to La Kalle in Dallas, which is probably the best way to pick up Spanish. I think that’s how I acquired my taste for salsa dancing too. The rhythm is so sensual–I honestly believe you aren’t really a man if you can’t dance. Sí, we can totally go to a salsa club sometime. Have you baile-d at the Copa?
I don’t want to come off as a total cholo here, but I could really go for some weed right now. Oh, you don’t have any? That’s cool. Nevermind.
Claro que sí! I’d be down to go to a different party. Oh, on Riverside? Pues, it’s kind of far. No, no, we can go. But are you sure it’d be cool? I mean, I probably won’t know anybody and I don’t want to be the only gringo there.
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