Cuba Vows To Send Man To The Planet Hollywood By End Of Decade

HAVANA – In attempts to strike fear and awe into Cuba’s rivals and neighboring countries alike, President Raúl Castro announced plans to send a man to the Planet Hollywood by the year 2020.

“Our socialist revolution has made great strides in recent innovation and technology,” Castro stated, pointing to his newly authorized rice cooker. “But it is time we join the space race and begin exploring the final frontier, beginning with a mission to the Planet Hollywood.”

Though Planet Hollywood is technically under American ownership, President Castro feels the US relinquished its claim on planetary property when it announced the retirement of its Space Shuttle Program. “I have received intelligence that the Planet Hollywood has been largely unvisited for years, so I see no reason why the American imperialists would impede our journey there.”

Yet the United States has already shown signs of hesitancy towards Cuba’s proposed mission. “I strongly urge Cuba to reconsider its mission to Planet Hollywood,” said US Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta in a press release Tuesday. “I went there with a few friends once, and the watery Spaghetti Pomodoro I ordered was $14.99! You could buy a gourmet muffin with that kind of cash! The only thing that made the trip worthwhile was sitting next to that sweet armor from The Last Samurai.”

However, Castro maintains he will accomplish this mission “whatever the cost.” A Cuban space program is already being established, reflecting influence by previous communist space programs established in the Soviet Union, North Korea and Star Trek: The Next Generation. “This is going to be a long and difficult journey,”  said newly appointed Deputy Administrator Adelmo Garcia-Lopez. “There will be many roadblocks between Havana and the Planet Hollywood, but that day when we are sitting amongst the stars, Cuba will rejoice. With mozzarella sticks.”

The space program intends to build medium-range and intermediate-range space shuttles. “We considered a double-mission to also visit the nearby Disney World, but the financial advisory board voted against it,” explained Garcia-Lopez. “Even though the second planet is only 1.5 miles off the original course, the diversion would apparently prove quite costly.”

Though the plan was originally met with some dissent within Cuba, the opposing attitudes were never fully articulated amongst screams and gunfire. The country’s now unanimous approval for the proposed plan seems to emulate both their hopefulness as well as their disconnect from the rest of Earth. However, this may reflect private, majority-held hopes that by 2020, the Planet Hollywood will have been destroyed by a supernova or Chapter 11 bankruptcy.