I Kind Of Feel Like I Should Be Getting Laid More.

I realize I’m no Casanova or anything. My bench max is about 120 pounds, 125 on a good day. I know that often times my looks are described as “delicate.” Hell, I’ll even admit that my decision in early 2004 to shave my head might have caused me some image problems. Regardless, I still feel like I should be getting laid twice my current rate.

Is it so hard to get a piece of tail for a singer-songwriter whose debut album went platinum ten times in Ireland? Yes, I know it only went gold in the US, but how many albums have you produced that sold 500,000 copies in the States? That’s right, none. And yet you still get your dick wet on a regular basis.

I seriously have no idea what the deal is with my pussy intake. I’ll have some chick over to my finely appointed mid-17th century castle in the Irish foothills, and we’ll settle in to watch some reruns. Then an episode of One Tree Hill will come on and I’ll just offhandedly mention that the title sequence uses one of my songs, and suddenly the atmosphere gets weird. I usually try to fix it by donning a soothing voice and whispering the entire lyrics to “9 Crimes” into her ears, but that never seems to patch up the situation. It’s not a big deal, because the majority of my songs have been written on those nights when a woman refuses the company of my bed. It’s during those lonely hours when I stay up crying and writing extended lyrical metaphors with my acoustic guitar in hand. Still, once in a while I wouldn’t mind trading my the life as a tortured poet for a few hours of non-stop, tantric, sweaty bangin’.

That’s another thing. People always read way too much into my lyrics. I’ve had multiple fans think the song “Blower’s Daughter” is about some mournful breakup that has changed me to the core. You know what it’s actually about? The fact that I can’t get a single daughter to blow me. Fuck!

Is it because I’m Irish? That’s it, isn’t it? You just assume that because I’m from an area with harsh, rainy climates and a strong pub culture that I’m some kind of reprobate drunkard. You do realize Pierce Brosnan is Irish, right? I can assure you he’s never had the kind of droughts I’ve had. The dude makes one decent James Bond film, and follows it up with freakin’ Die Another Day, yet the panties come clean off whenever he enters a room.

Can we all agree that, in a fair world, I’d be getting laid a little more? I’ve composed original music for the Songs for Tibet project. You’ve heard how terrible it is in Tibet? No, not the country with all of the genocide. You’re thinking of Sudan. Just, forget it. All I’m saying is that my last name is a grain that sustains the majority of the world’s hunger. Ladies, isn’t it time that Rice sustains your sexual hunger?