Congress Discussing Failure As An Option

WASHINGTON – The winds of change were felt in the nation’s capital today as Congress convened to consider a new direction for the United States: failure.

“You can look back at every crisis this country’s ever had – the Civil War, World War II, the Great Depression. Failure’s always been on the table, but it’s never gotten the proper evaluation it deserves,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “I’m looking forward to discussing it and seeing what new ideas The Failure Plan will generate.”
Although still in its early stages, reports say The Failure Plan (TFP) outlines three vital components in order to be successful. First, the citizens of the United States will be asked to give up.
“For this to work, we’re going to need every man, woman, and child to take a real hard look in the mirror,” remarked Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY), “and then go right back to bed.” The second requirement is that any and all back-up plans must be discarded. This includes pensions, small business investments, and cash piles hidden beneath mattresses. However, money reserved for gross amounts of lottery tickets and legal gambling will be allowed.
The third component of the TFP: “Cut and Run” has seen strong support from both parties. “Cut and Run” promotes exodus from the United States into the surrounding countries, territories, and oceans. Each American will be required to pick a direction and go with it.
“It’s a brilliant idea,” said Representative Ted Poe (R-TX) as he packed kitchen utensils into his BMW X5, “We’re all thinking about it, so why not do it? From the numbers we’ve seen, if we just run away, the budget problem is 98% likely to still be there when we get back. I like those odds.”
“We’ve been looking at the budget all wrong for years. Mainly because we’ve been looking right at it.” Schumer agreed. “By running, our backs will be turned and we won’t be able to see it. It doesn’t exist if we can’t see it.”
But not all members of Congress are on board with TFP.  Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL) has been the plan’s most outspoken opponent.
“I can’t believe this is being seriously considered. I thought it was a joke – a funny joke at that, but it kept going and going and now I have to explain to grown adults why staying in bed, letting go of 401(k)’s, and moving to Mexico is not the best action for our country.”
Senator Shelby is expected to resign after Congress ends its session today, which will open the door for TFP to pass unanimously.