Archives - 200811

Around Campus
  • Texas Tech's title hopes may have crashed in Norman, but at least they've found a way to let a guy vigorously jack off into a bell in front of millions of television viewers.
  • When you go home over the break, remember that it's been long time since you left high school. The girl you always wanted to fuck but never could is back in play.
  • Dude. Everyone saw The Office last week, so stop asking.

40 Acres 411

Thanksgiving's here and the gossip this time around is juicier than a gravy boat bearing due East across the scandal canal. We here at the Travesty have the lock down on all the hearsay that will surely cast a few reputations overboard before
the semester is finished.

Briefs

Man places mouth on woman to show affection

AUSTIN — Following a successful first date Thursday evening, insurance salesman Donovan Cathcart was so overcome with affection toward soon-to-be girlfriend Lucile Mathewson that he parasitically attached himself to her lower lip and three-quarters of her chin.

Gay professor won't stop being such a drama queen about ‘equal rights'

CAMPUS — Physics professor Dr. George Laward has reportedly thrown all kinds of temper tantrums during his lectures over the last several weeks, repeatedly citing the need for the University to "rethink their ban on allowing domestic partners to receive the same benefits as married couples" and other gay ramblings.

Magic in local man all along

AUSTIN — Twenty-nine year old businessman Bryan Henning discovered Wednesday evening that despite his initial belief that a string of unbelievable, borderline supernatural successes in his life was the direct result of a magical ring, the sales assistant's good fortune was, in reality, deep within Henning the whole time.

Hollywood celebrities suddenly obsessed with lives of middle-aged, out-of-shape moms

LOS ANGELES — In what started as a subtle curiosity, Hollywood celebrities' interest in the personal lives of middle-class mothers has blossomed into a full-blown obsession, and has tabloids scrambling to meet the increasing demand for new and juicy gossip about the suburban women.

The Travesty Interviews!

Local rapper Terp 2 It (a.k.a. comedian Chris Trew) is a rising star in the hip-hop subgenre known as "nerdcore."

Who's to say you won't assault me in this dark alley?

Is that you, Rachel Samantha Jackson of 4719 Lakeway Drive? Well, fancy seeing you here, all alone in this dark alley on a Thursday night. I haven't seen you since Tuesday morning when you decided to take a bubble bath instead of showering before your big conference call at 8 a.m. Hey, hey, missy! Step back from my crouching space behind the dumpster! I have no idea what your intentions are — for all I know, you're here to sneak up from behind and have your way with me.

Houston, missing this window is not an option


I need your A game on this one, gentlemen, so if any of you think you're not up to it, tell me now because I can't have you freezing up when things start to get hairy. Good, now listen up.

This election was great for everyone named "Barack Obama"

When Barack Obama, the senator from Illinois, announced his candidacy for president, I knew the election would be interesting for Barack Obama, accounts receivable manager for the largest business solutions firm in Waxahachie.

How To Institute Educational Reform

Education is very important for everyone. We use it every day. In school, at home, and even when hanging out with your friends.

Designer takes initiative, writes own headline

-30-

Editor's note: The following is a -30- column. In the typewritten days of the newspaper industry, "-30-" denoted the end of a story.

Campus Spotlight: Carla Roberts, ITS Employee

Texas Travesty: How would you describe your job?
CR: Oh it's the most rewarding job in the world. It's a lot like being a doctor, but instead of sick people, I help sick computers.