Archives - 200902 | Texas Travesty

Archives - 200902

Campus media continues to ignore sick-ass Fiji foam party

CAMPUS — Despite remaining the most talked-about issue on campus, the media blackout of the totally fuckin' sweet foam party at the Fiji house last Saturday continues, as not a single news outlet has reported on the hardiness of the party

Morbidly obese man insists he is the only survivor of shipwreck

NEW YORK — A sense of joy and loss permeated the air yesterday when a single passenger of the Queen Loraine, a mid-size ferry which ran aground on a deserted island 60 miles off the Eastern seaboard, was discovered alive and well.

Hannity replaces Colmes

Veteran pundit ‘a natural fit,' says network

NEW YORK, NY — Sean Hannity, conservative broadcaster and co-host of FOX News' Hannity & Colmes, has been tapped to replace Alan Colmes after the liberal pundit's departure from the show.

Mr. Hannity, who hosts both Hannity & Colmes and Hannity's America, as well as his top-rated radio talk show, was determined by FOX executives to be the most suitable co-host to take over Colmes' vacated spot.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. accepted into Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences internship program

LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., star of Boat Trip, Snow Dogs, and Daddy Day Camp, has received a formal invitation to become the newest member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Summer Internship Program.

Interest in rock feigned

Geological Sciences class actually couldn't care less about specimen's crystal lattice
CAMPUS — Students in Dr. Louis Long's Introduction to Geology class acted as if they were interested in the quartz monzonite sample, a type of intrusive igneous rock that has an approximately equal proportion
of orthoclase and plagioclase feldspars, which Long sent around the class on Tuesday.

Everyone trying to figure out if guy sitting in front is gay

CAMPUS — Everyone in Dr. Gary Grommet's Rhetoric of Economics class has begun to wonder if the guy who sits in the front and raises his hand often is a homosexual. While the class does not want to jump to any conclusions, evidence is abundant to indicate that the somewhat stylish but undeniably effeminate student is in fact sexually attracted to members of his own sex.

Dog bad

ANNAPOLIS, MD — Chloe, a small Terrier puppy, was a very, very, bad dog Tuesday morning. Bad dog.
Reports indicate that she did many treat-worthy things the previous week, like not chewing on a new pair of Topsiders and not peeing on the carpet. She was so good, yes she was. However, Chloe abandoned her forthright ways and quickly devolved into "a little devil" when her owner came home to overturned trash cans, ruined blinds, and excrement everywhere.

Friend of friend has the hookup

AUSTIN — Friend of friend of local
guy-in-need Shawn Fazende reportedly has the hookup Fazende has been waiting for, and plans to hook up Fazende later this week.
Fazende was previously unsure whether anyone would come through for him. Fortunately, Fazende's
friend, who at first did not want to bother his other friend, had a change of heart and initiated the transaction.
"Shawn seemed really desperate, so I decided to give my buddy a call. He's totally the guy to go to. Shawn owes me one."

Shorts-wearing man not cold

TULSA — Despite a sharp drop in temperature to below-freezing weather Saturday evening, 29 year-old Jeremy Wernick, who was wearing a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a sweatshirt, reported to a group of friends that he failed to register the universally agreed-upon coldness.
"Where I come from, it's way colder. This is nothing," said Wernick to a group of shivering friends. "I just don't really get cold. Do any of you want to borrow my sweatshirt? I'm getting kind of hot, actually."

Local man's self-deprecating jokes not really jokes

DALLAS — Stockroom manager Christopher Velez, 48, riled up his coworkers yesterday with one of his classic self-effacing jokes that was, in fact, not a joke at all.
"My life is worthless and is continually spiraling in an unstoppable vortex of misery," said Velez to a group of guffawing friends. "The only thing more empty than my existence is my soul."

Freedom Tower architects reassigned to preemptive Freedom Tower Memorial Tower planning

NEW YORK, NY — Architects mapping plans for the long-in-development
Freedom Tower received notification Monday morning that further plans to build the September 11th memorial had been postponed indefinitely in favor of preliminary engineering for the Freedom Tower Memorial Tower.

If only I could find a dorm-dwelling guitarist to offer a record deal

As a big-time record producer, spotting talent is in my blood.

If I could do it all over again, I would be a billionaire

I'm not the type of person who mopes around all day complaining about how bad his life is; that's not my style. I've got a decent life, all in all. I'm the 9-to-5 manager at a Walgreen's, play third base in my community softball league, and own a small house on the edge of town. But if I could go back and do it all over again, I would be a billionaire.

Student Government Bills

Campus Spotlight

Michael Prohaska
That guy who played with Broken Social Scene once

Around Campus

As the financial crisis ensues, more people will be forced to stare at Torchy’s longingly while eating their Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch.
The guy you drag to see He’s Just Not That Into You is, most likely, just not that into your taste in movies. Or you.
Ummm, yeeees, getting an MFA is a way to go.

40 Acres 411

A new semester is here and while the studious types are busy buckling down, we here at the Travesty bring you the 411 on all the unbuckling going on! Get ready 40 Acre friends, the gossip this time around is juicier than the mission statement of a smoothie franchise!

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At least your Prius will be fuel efficient and environmentally friendly while it’s rapidly accelerating through the streets killing people.
We’ll take this opportunity to jinx our basketball team. We’re calling it: UT Basketball National Championship 2010!
That douchebag in the study room still thinks everyone loves listening to him play piano.
Congratulations to Jordan Shipley for finally earning enough credits to graduate!
Doppelganger week was a remarkable study in the vast divide between how beautiful you think you are versus how average you actually look in real life. Yes, I’m specifically referring
to you.
Thanks, UT Safety alert, but I don’t need an auxiliary reason to run screaming from the RLM.
When there’s beer in the basement, frat guys stand adjacent.
Realizing that he only has a few short months left in office, SG President Liam O’Rourke will use his authority to create an even larger cardboard cutout of himself in the Co-Op.
As long as you maintain your proud tradition of attractive young women in athletic shorts, you can lose as many bowl games as you like, UT.
Students anxious to see J.D. Salinger’s last essays in the Harry Ransom Center will be disappointed to find that they’re just Animorphs fan fictions.
HEY GUYS SERIOUSLY COME USE THE LIBERAL ARTS WRITING CENTER IT’S SUPER HELPFUL I’M SERIOUS!!!!!
Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart.
Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah.
If you thought you could just sleep through every lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you were right. High-five.
Turns out the study abroad assistant didn’t have an accent; that was a speech impediment. You did a funny impression, though.
Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat Doritos at home.
It wasn’t very becoming of Kansas State to chant “We Own Texas!” after they beat us. At least we had the class to refrain from chanting “We Own Indoor Plumbing!” in response.
Everyone on campus let out a commemorative “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by once again.