News in Brief

Study: Sexy nuns save more souls

VATICAN CITY—A recent church-wide analysis by an independent research group has proven that symmetric, visually pleasing nuns are more effective at preaching the gospel to their congregation. The study found that, on average, church turnout is 34% higher when the female clergy’s dimensions are closer to the ideal 36-24-36. “Our reasoning is that churchgoers need something to look at,” said head researcher Floyd Michaels as he wiped lipstick off of his collar.
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Homeless nutritionist touts benefits of food for a healthy diet

by By Jermaine Affonso
AUSTIN—After nearly a decade of research and years of trial studies, the nation’s premier homeless nutritionist Albert Haney is finally revealing what he calls nature’s best kept secret to a healthy diet: food. “My research indicates that one’s appetite and the body’s nutritional needs are best fulfilled by consuming food,” Haney announced to a group of homeless men and women standing next to the dumpster outside Jack in the Box. “I have found that food not only relieves the discomfort felt from malnutrition, but that it is essential to preventing debilitating diseases such as starvation.
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Campus Spotlight: Robin Goodfellow--Recently Laid-off History Professor

Texas Travesty: So, we heard that you were recently laid off. Sorry to hear that. Robin Goodfellow: Oh, it’s okay. I’m sure everything will work out fine, assuming I have enough money to feed my kids and to put clothes on their backs. Little Robbie found an old jacket near the chemical plant the other day, so that’s going to save me a little money. TT: How could they do this to you? You’ve taught at this university for nearly 20 years!
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Business student looks cute as a button dressed in his big-boy suit

by By Aaron Walther
CAMPUS—Jeffrey Houser, a management student who delights his mommy and daddy by making good grades, impressed all those around him as he strode confidently down 21st Street last Tuesday, chest high in the air and cute as a button dressed in his special big-boy suit. “The hardest part was the tie,” said the charming young man as he nervously clutched the most adorable little briefcase you ever did see. “But then I found out that you can buy a tie that clips onto your shirt and looks just like a real one.” “Now I’m a big boy too,” added Houser.
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Fuck Day: People like to do sex

by By Sheri Dingwell: Sex Columnist
When I was ten years old, I heard the word “sex” for the first time. After I found out what sex is, I said this: “Ew, yucky!” Seriously, who would want to do sex? Boys are gross, right? Wrong. When I was twenty, I found out that when you do sex, it’s totally awesome (thanks, Tom). It turns out that everyone loves sex! I was so shocked when I found out! Even though I knew that I loved sex, I needed to figure out what changed my mind from “Ew, yucky!” to “Yes, please, and thank you!”
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Only as an efficient, synergistic, and cooperative unit can we cover up today’s manslaughter

by By Roy Burnett: Regional Sales Manager
Well, that certainly was unfortunate. Times like this make my job as regional sales manager even tougher than usual. We’ve lost McNeil and no amount of new accounts will bring him back. It is our responsibility however, to work together and value his sacrifice to our office and our team. The fact is, only by working as an efficient, synergistic and cooperative unit, can we cover up today’s manslaughter.
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Don’t fuck with me, man, or I might make more idle threats

by By Michael Reynolds
Woah, man! Woah! What’s the deal with you? You think you can just make eyes at my girl like that and I’m not going to say anything? I’m about two seconds away from threatening, but not following up on, kicking your ass! Oh, you think I’m just talking a big game? Well you’re right, bro; I talk the biggest game. Don’t believe me, man? You don’t believe me? Check this shit out.
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Brilliant groundhog scientists predict weather patterns for North America

PUNXSUTAWNEY- The scientific community was elated Thursday when a pair of astute groundhogs released an intensive, 20-year study of climatological patterns in North America, sources say. The two groundhogs, Dr. French Creek Freddie and Dr. Jimmy the Groundhog, emerged from their burrow for an 11 a.m. press conference with members of the national and local media. “Our findings are consistent with our hypothesis, that the casting of a shadow ensures a 65% percent chance of chillier weather for most forms of life in the Northern Hemisphere,” explained Dr.
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Gamer-turned-soldier still trying to tap B to reload

AFGHANISTAN – In a recent firefight in the hills of Afghanistan, avid video game player and newly-enlisted Private Brad Glasser discovered hitting the “B” button repeatedly would not reload his AR-15 assault rifle. Private First Class Rodney Chalmers witnessed the failed attempt at reloading, during which Glasser also began hopping up and down, a maneuver which he hoped would help him to avoid enemy gunfire. “We're all getting sick of him,” Chalmers told reporters.
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Parlin Hall to leave The Six Pack for solo career

SOUTH MALL—In a move that has sent shockwaves through the UT campus, a representative for Parlin Hall announced Tuesday that the building would be leaving the revolutionary building group The Six Pack later this year to pursue a solo career, creating a vacancy in the west side of the South Mall. “Parlin has nothing but love for the members of The Six Pack,” said Parlin’s publicist Shane Ellis.
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Health-conscious cult drinks bowl of arsenic-laced Crystal-Lite

EL PASO—In one of the most shocking mass suicides in recent history, a health-conscious cult lead by dietician Peter Mariel drank a bowl of arsenic-laced Crystal-Lite in a final, healthy act of loyalty to their leader. “We can only guess at what kind of sick, health-friendly rituals this cult took part in,” said Chief Investigator Sgt. Matthew Magman.
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FAA adds “people” and “luggage” to banned items list

WASHINGTON—In a bold move to further tighten airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would add “people” and “luggage” to its list of banned items. While the FAA had previously only banned items such as liquids and sharp objects, the administration took drastic measures to ban all luggage along with the people who might be carrying it.
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New Beatles compilation created from spaces between songs on other Beatles albums

LONDON – Fans of legendary rock band, the Beatles, will be treated to a brand-new compilation album created entirely out of blank spaces between songs on previously-recorded Beatles albums. The album, titled “In Absentia”, features twelve new tracks of ambient silence that have followers of the band packing retail outlets for their copy. “It’s all about the notes you’re not hearing,” said Beatles historian Reuben Aligheri, who has described the album as a thrilling and unique departure from the band's earlier, noisier work.
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Fork-in-electrical-socket experiment declared success by local child

HOUSTON—In a landmark scientific breakthrough, 5-year-old Billy McGillis finally circumvented the plastic safety barrier and successfully inserted a clean metal fork into a 120 Volt AC power electrical socket. The effects of the 60 Hz, single-phase electrical load on the four-pronged Oneida flatware was described by McGillis’s colleagues as “awesome” and “very awesome.” While some older scientists in the community question the long term viability of his research, Billy plans to continue his work. “Scientific discovery is paramount to our understanding of the world,” said Billy.

Jesus wishes mankind good luck after wrapping up second visit to Earth

HEAVEN-Jesus Christ, Lord Almighty and Atoning Sacrifice for the Sins of Humanity, wished everybody his best as he ended his much anticipated second visit to earth. “I realize that I didn’t give you guys the exact time I would return, but come on, you had like thousands of years to decide,” said the glowing deity as he waved goodbye to the terrified and panicked masses. “Wow, look at the time. Good luck with the apocalypse, you guys.

Super Wal-Mart drives regular Wal-Mart out of business

WICHITA FALLS, TX— After 22 years in business, a local Wal-Mart will be closing its doors, making it the latest casualty of the Super Wal-Mart that opened across the street. “For over two decades, we’ve served the hard working members of this community by offering low, low prices,” said Wal-Mart Manager Stephen Phelps.

Nervous father goes off on Mockingbird tangent during birds and bees talk

AUSTIN – While trying to explain the intricacies of sexual intercourse to his 12-year-old son, local father Greg Stanton became distressed and digressed into an ornithological discussion about the behaviors and mannerisms of the Mockingbird. “When a man and a woman are in love, sometimes they take off all of their clothes and when the man is ready he puts his...binoculars up to his eyes and looks and beholds a Mockingbird!” said Stanton.

Local motorist hopes courtesy wave will make up for paralyzing other driver

AUSTIN—After cutting off a red Toyota Prius on I-35 early this morning, Austin mother of three, Lana Castleton, gave the other drivers a brisk wave of her right hand to make up for the resulting six-car pileup. “I feel super bad about what happened,” said Castleton, whose inattention to the road caused partial paralysis in a 32-year-old computer programmer from San Antonio whose Prius was forced into a guard rail. Carlton noted that she would have stopped to provide aid if she had not already been late for her tri-weekly yoga class.
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Civil Rights professor shows “Remember the Titans” for the fifth time this semester

CAMPUS—Students in Sean McConnley’s HIS 356P, “The US during the Civil Rights Era,” class were disappointed on Tuesday when they came to lecture only to discover that McConnley planned to show them “Remember the Titans” for the fifth time this semester. “I was pretty stoked when I saw that he was going to play this movie the first time,” said student Rick Baran-Chong.

Successful prostitute given a fucking medal

LAS VEGAS—Hundreds gathered around City Hall Saturday afternoon to witness Easy Sammy D award his employee, Chastity Moon, a seasoned prostitute, a medal to commemorate her remarkable aptitude for fornicating for money. “Austin has got no shortage of whores, none at all,” said Sammy D while placing the medal around Moon’s neck, where it rested upon her silicone infused torso. “But you Chastity, you’re the best!” The crowd, mostly comprised of businessmen between the ages of 40 and 50 on their lunch breaks, gave Moon a rousing applause as well as several approving whistles.

Breakfast Taco stand edges out Alamo as top tourist spot in San Antonio

SAN ANTONIO—The San Antonio tourist commission revealed that in the past year record numbers of visitors have decided to forgo visiting the Alamo in favor of getting a first hand taste of Loco Tacos’ delicious, saliva-inducing breakfast tacos. Loco Tacos, located in a trailer across the street from the historical monument, specializes in breakfast tacos and has consistently beat out the Alamo in attracting tourists since it parked there three weeks ago. “Honestly, I was overwhelmed by the response,” said Frank Sanchez, Loco Taco owner.

James Cameron hoping Bollywood dance sequence at end of “Avatar” will create Oscar buzz

HOLLYWOOD—James Cameron, writer and director of blockbuster movies such as “The Terminator” and “Titanic,” hinted that he has decided to add a traditional Bollywood dance sequence to the end of his new sci-fi war film, “Avatar.” “The editors and I have been working on this project for over a decade and we never seemed to get the ending quite right,” said Cameron.

Compassionate engineering professor focuses on how numbers make students feel

AUSTIN – In an attempt to make an emotional connection with his students, mechanical engineering professor Charles Landry reached out to his class to try and understand how numbers, derivatives, and binomial grids make students feel. “Everybody is always placing so much importance on solving...
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Shell discovers oil under Chevron station

ST. PAUL—In what many energy experts are describing as the most important discovery in the last decade, Shell workers stumbled upon thousands of gallons of oil underneath a Chevron station off Highway 94 earlier today. “It’s black gold!” said Shell foreman Wayne Olson as he shot mid-grade gasoline into the air out of a Chevron pump. “Sweet black gold! We’re rich, my boys! Rich, I say!” As of press time...
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Belligerently drunk man shows light post who’s boss

WAXAHACHIE—After exiting Marty’s Pub on Wednesday night, a belligerently drunk Frank Brewster stopped in front of a light post and claimed that the post called his mother a “filthy lion whore.” “My mother is a goddamned saint, you son of a bitch,” said Brewster to the 20-foot-tall light source. “I’m gonna hit you so hard you ain’t gonna be able to feel your feelings or stuff no more.” Brewster then charged at the light post and accidentally bashed his head against the concrete base, rendering him unconscious.

Ambulance-chasing attorney actually in need of medical attention

SANTA MONICA—Power attorney Ricky Ambrose, a notorious ambulance chaser, was spotted at 7th and San Vincente Boulevard earlier today running behind an ambulance and pleading for medical attention for his life-threatening injuries. Despite Ambrose’s critical conditon, the emergency medical staff questioned his cries for help and refused to fall for the lawyer’s tricks again. “I’ll tell you what; those lawyers will do anything to get in the back of the ambulance and hustle up some clients,” explained paramedic Dave McCradic.
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Study: New lamp looks best in dining room

ARBORETUM—A new study by the Franklin Household Council of Inquiry has concluded that the lamp recently purchased from Ikea by Paul and Shirley Franklin looks best in the north end of the dining room. “We’re tremendously excited with the results,” said Shirley Franklin, wife of Paul and head researcher for the council. “Soon we’ll have double-blind, peer-reviewed and scientifically concrete answers for every decoration option in the house.” The study was conducted as part of a larger investigation by Mrs.
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Ultimate Frisbee game particularly “ultimate”

AUSTIN—Players of the regularly scheduled Wednesday night game of Ultimate Frisbee noted after the game that this week’s match was, for some reason or another, particularly “ultimate.” While none of the players could describe what was different about this game, they unanimously agreed that it was much more “ultimate” than usual. “I don’t really know how else to describe it,” said James Langley, one of the players in the game.
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Fork clean enough for local man

WEST CAMPUS—Local man Robert King decided to use a moderately dirty fork last Wednesday, stating that the utensil was “pretty much clean.” Although King had proper cleaning supplies and plenty of free time to adequately wash the fork, he decided that it was sufficiently clean and proceeded to eat his bowl of Chef Boyardee ravioli. “I gave it a quick look, and after I flicked off a piece of shredded cheese that was stuck to the side [of the fork], I decided that we were good to go,” explained King as he licked the remaining tomato sauce from the lid of the can.
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Impatient serial killer tired of waiting in bushes for next murder victim

AUSTIN—Notorious serial killer, Leathermask, grew impatient yesterday after waiting for hours in the bushes outside of accountant Stephanie Wright’s home so he could brutally massacre her with his chainsaw. “Christ, she’s taking forever,” said Leathermask as he finally resigned to sitting down. “This is getting ridiculous. Some people have absolutely no concept of time. I have places to be.” While waiting in the bushes, Leathermask bought some new apps for his iPhone, but spent most of his time torturing whatever small animals he could find.

Student to join whichever organization serves Jimmy John’s at meetings

CAMPUS—After attending meetings for various student organizations across campus, Sam Manhower decided to join the one that serves Jimmy John’s at every meeting. “It was a tough decision,” said Manhower as he put an extra roast-beef sandwich into his backpack. “I can’t tell you how close I was to joining the one that serves Chipotle. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in college.” As of press time, Manhower was seen exiting a UEC meeting holding two party-trays of assorted fruits and dips.

Struggling professor attempts to Q-drop course

CAMPUS—After realizing that he had taken on too much work for the semester, a panicked Professor Richard Labenski contacted the Office of the Registrar last Friday and attempted to Q-drop the World Literature class that he was teaching. When he was told that professors are not allowed to drop courses they are teaching, Labenski responded by skipping class for the remainder of the week. “My students completely dominated my exam—the class average was 98,” said Labenski. “It was so embarrassing. I just don’t think I’m cut out to teach English.
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Daring student unplugs iPhone without ejecting it first

CAMPUS—In an act of unparalleled bravery, political science major Kim LaSalle unplugged her iPhone from her MacBook without first disconnecting it from the iTunes menu. Despite repeated pop-up warnings from her computer, LaSalle looked deep inside herself and summoned the courage to simply remove the white cord from the bottom dock of her phone. “I don’t know what came over me,” said LaSalle as she stoically held the cord in her hand.

Man not sure what to make of homeless guy urinating on him

AUSTIN—UT Junior, Colin Siu, stood confused on the corner of 24th Street and San Gabriel yesterday afternoon as a homeless man urinated on him. “I was walking down the Drag and decided to stop and check my iPhone when I felt it,” explained Siu. "I should probably burn these clothes; his urine smelled like Windex.” The homeless man, who refused to speak with reporters, reportedly urinated an excess of two minutes. As of press time, the homeless man in question was defecating on a brand new Schwinn bicycle.

Lucky child finds listing for free candy on Craigslist

WESTLAKE—Local nine-year-old Bobby Sanders was having a very special day Thursday when he stumbled across a listing for free candy on Craigslist, a popular website for community events. “The man said that he had free Gobstoppers in the back of his white van,” said the child as he waited by himself near a dumpster for the candyman to arrive.