Briefs

Local obophobe avoids Guadalupe

AUSTIN - Local resident Peter Tomlin walks nearly an extra mile each day to avoid traveling on Guadalupe due to the intense discomfort he feels when he interacts with hobos. "It's not like I have a problem with them personally, it's just that they've made a lifestyle choice that I disagree with," said Tomlin. Tomlin is also concerned about their close proximity to campus. "They make no effort to hide that they're hobos," complained Tomlin. "They positively flaunt it! They're corrupting and distracting impressionable youth of Austin into thinking that being a hobo is acceptable." The increasing mainstream acceptance of hobos, especially the prevalence of hobos in television shows and movies, also worries Tomlin. "Did you see the trailer for the new Will Smith movie, Hancock?" asked Tomlin. "Ten years ago, who would have thought that we would ever have a movie about a hobo superhero? What has America come to? Where are our values?" Ironically, sources close to Tomlin have suggested that he may in fact be a hobosexual himself.

C-List celebrity writes tell-little book

BURBANK - The literary community is mildly anticipating the first ever celebrity tell-little book to be released next Tuesday. Richard Ruccolo, most famous for his role as not Ryan Reynolds in the long cancelled ABC series Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place penned the tome, titled What The Ruc Happened? The autobiography is said to be the first of its kind, and is expected to generate tens, even dozens of sales. Mr. Ruccolo's publicist and brother, Buffalo Ruccolo, took questions after the announcement outside a Taco Bell. "Rick is very thrilled about this foray into the literary world. I'm confident that readers will know just as much, or perhaps even less about him after reading this book." When questioned if any personal experiences would be revealed, Ruccolo responded, "My first romantic encounter, my motivation to become an actor, even how I became the successful burrito artist I am today - all these things will be in this book." Ruccalo will embark upon a nationwide book signing tour at local Barnes and Nobles location from 3 pm until whenever management forces him to leave.

Schizophrenic has low selves-esteem

AUSTIN - Economics junior Ashley Pollard, who was clinically diagnosed in 2002 with schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder, has recently been struggling with low selves-esteem. "Aw, shucks," bemoaned Pollard's second personality while half-heartedly kicking a can along the sidewalk. "I'm just a darn screw-up. I try and I try, but I just can't seem to do anything right!" Pollard reports that this pessimistic attitude has negatively affected both her schoolwork and her relationships with friends. "Het enkel ding vreselijker dan m'n gezicht is m'n ziel," lamented Pollard's Dutch personality, Marieke. Pollard reports that she has decided not to seek psychiatric help, but is confident that she will feel better after she obeys the voices in her head telling her to burn down the FAC.

Out-of-breath jogger announces plans to stand on corner with hands on hips

WEST CAMPUS - Local jogger Derek Chan announced during his morning jog on Tuesday that he plans to catch his breath with his hands on his hips at the corner of 24th and Rio Grande. Chan held a press conference on the stretch of sidewalk between 25th and 24th Streets with reporters struggling to keep up. "I'm starting to get tired. I think I'm gonna take a little breather," said Chan as a cameraman fell to the ground behind him. "I started off at a faster pace than I had planned, and I need to get some oxygen before I continue. I can confirm, however, that I'm making good time." Following his jog, Chan plans to enjoy a protein shake, a shower, and will reveal to his roommates that his endorphins "are really flowing today."

Michael Cera to move on to befuddled adult roles

LOS ANGELES - Tired of being typecast as a nervous, bumbling teenager, actor Michael Cera has decided to broaden the scope of his acting and take on roles as a nervous, bumbling adult. "I want to show the world that I'm a versatile, talented actor. I'm not a one trick pony," mumbled the star of Superbad and Juno. "I can play a lot of different uncomfortable roles. Twenty years-old, twenty-one years-old. I could probably even do twenty-four." Cera's career started on the cult FOX series Arrested Development as the confused, uneasy George Michael Bluth, and has since skyrocketed into superstardom. He has recently agreed to work on a project in which he will play the sensitive guitar player of a hip indie rock band and awkwardly court a cute girl.

Friends with benefits relationship to include 401(k), hand jobs

AUSTIN - Sophomores Jennifer Wickers and Albert Manfred came to an agreement on Tuesday to add a variety of benefits to their friendship with the hope of boosting morale and enthusiasm. The plan, laid out in a series of text messages, includes a 401(k) retirement plan, a one-week leave from the relationship, and manual penile/vaginal stimulation under the covers on predetermined movie nights. "I feel like this is a fair and advantageous arrangement for both parties involved," said Manfred, who also agreed to terms for a weekly cunnilingus, fellatio exchange after class on Fridays. "The benefits we've added ensure that both of us are properly compensated for the work we put into the friendship, and they guarantee us a secure future. Everybody wins." Wickers and Manfred also considered adding a healthcare plan, but decided that using a condom would work fine instead.

L.A. abuzz

LOS ANGELES - The entire city of Los Angeles is abuzz this week, and the excitement is palpable from Long Beach to Beverly Hills. "Can you feel it?" said Los Angelino David Schwimmer, a member of the industry. The inevitable backlash has only increased the buzz in the trades and on the L.A. blogosphere, and people believe this is the biggest news of its kind in years. The City is already beginning to feel the effects, with traffic at a stand still on the 101 and the 405, and lines wrapped all the way around the building. With the anticipation level so high, Los Angeles residents are beginning to wonder: will it live up to the hype? Said one prominent figure, "Hey, in this town, you never know what might happen."

Over-mayonnaised sandwich eaten anyway

CAMPUS - University sophomore Daniel Musselman consumed a submarine sandwich at Potbelly Sandwich Works last Tuesday that contained an excessive amount of mayonnaise, sources say. Despite Musselman's initial hesitation to eat a sandwich that oozed with the creamy condiment, ultimately he decided it would probably be "too much trouble to take it back anyway." Reported Musselman, "I sat down to eat my lunch, and I realized that this turkey club had about three-quarters of an inch of mayo between the slices of provolone and bacon strips," as he used his napkin to carefully dabble a coagulation of vegetable oil and egg yolks from his lower lip. "I got up to take the sandwich back to the counter, but then I looked at it, and I was like, 'Whatever.'" To date, the deli has received no complaints concerning the over-allocation of mayonnaise on any other sandwiches. However, the eatery reported several incidents regarding requests to add "just a dab of sandwich with their horseradish."

God eagerly awaiting area teen's confession

OMAHA - Creator of the universe and omniscient being God is anxiously anticipating high school sophomore Kevin Feldstein's heart-felt confession Sunday morning. "Come on, who does this kid think I am? Of course I saw him slowly stroking Kathy Sanderson's lower back, when he's already dating Mindy Klein," said the Lord of the Cosmos as he casually took note of engineer Mike Hatherby's sacrificial offering of several goats as repentance for using His name in vain. "I'm really gunning for some chocolates and maybe a nice card. All I got for his Wikipedia plagarization last week were some votive candles and some Hail Marys." When asked for details of his impending confession plan, Feldstein pleaded no comment before returning to his room to masturbate furiously.

Man has likely story

HOUSTON - Accountant Josh Greenberg profusely apologized to co-workers Monday morning for arriving late at work, offering an anecdote met with skepticism. "Sorry guys, there was a wreck on I-10 so traffic was at a standstill for miles," panted Greenberg as he made his way to his cubicle. "It was pretty bad, I think someone was taken away in a stretcher." Greenberg's officemates were less than impressed, however. "Oh, please. Last week Josh didn't make his quarterly earnings deadline because 'Hurricane Ike shut off all the power,'" mocked salesman Jim Bunning. "It's been excuse after excuse from this guy. He'll probably even have a couple 'scheduled doctor visits' this year. Pathetic." When asked by his supervisor to create a PowerPoint for a Tuesday investors conference, Bunning declined, citing his grandmother's week-long funeral without Blackberrys in Maui.

Comedian to throw that into his act tonight

NEW YORK - Comedian Jonah Rosen reportedly became ecstatic Friday evening at the prospect of developing material for his standup routine later that night. "I walked into this pizza joint on W. 53rd and I saw all these customers folding their pizza before eating it," recalled Rosen. "I thought, this would fit in perfectly between my bits about hot dogs at Shea Stadium and that smell on the subway.'" Rosen has been fine-tuning his performance at that evening's open mic at the Cackle Barrel. "How's this sound: what's up with folding pizza these days? It's like, am I at a pizzeria, or a Laundromat? But hey, whadda I know?!"