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Special Report: Drumline Actually A Really Good Movie About Drumlines

February, 2012

WASHINGTON D. C. – Last Friday, a special presentation was made to the House of Representatives recommending public awareness of the American sports-music-drama film, Drumline. Both unexpected and moving, the presentation shed light on the long-ignored fact that Drumline is actually a really good movie about drumlines. Ever since its nationwide release on December 13, [...]

Seneca Co-op Adopts Stray Baby

February, 2012

In an effort to prove the merits of their nontraditional housing, Seneca co-op has reportedly adopted a stray baby, adding one more housemate to their diverse family. Resident Hannah Kipp, who allegedly found the baby behind Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday, brought the child back to the co-op where it was welcomed with open, tattoo-sleeved arms. [...]

Sports good way for children to find purpose before crushing reality of adulthood 

February, 2012

SAN FRANCISCO – A recent study by TIME reveals that sports such as football, basketball, and soccer are good ways for children to find purpose before entering into the crushing reality of adulthood. Because of ever-present high unemployment rates, the increasing amount of student loans, and the dismal quality of recent presidential candidates in the [...]

Cuba Vows To Send Man To The Planet Hollywood By End Of Decade

October, 2011

HAVANA – In attempts to strike fear and awe into Cuba’s rivals and neighboring countries alike, President Raúl Castro announced plans to send a man to the Planet Hollywood by the year 2020. “Our socialist revolution has made great strides in recent innovation and technology,” Castro stated, pointing to his newly authorized rice cooker. “But [...]

Freshman Already Burns Bridges With Every Forty Acres Bus Driver

October, 2011

AUSTIN – In a feat of human aggravation, government freshman Taylor Reed has managed to burn bridges with every Forty Acres bus driver just two months into his undergraduate college career. Sources state that the 18-year-old Plano native has done what often takes years and is mostly considered impossible by social scientists: piss-off the jaded [...]

Congress Discussing Failure As An Option

October, 2011

WASHINGTON – The winds of change were felt in the nation’s capital today as Congress convened to consider a new direction for the United States: failure. “You can look back at every crisis this country’s ever had – the Civil War, World War II, the Great Depression. Failure’s always been on the table, but it’s [...]

Death To Be Major Job Creator In 2012

October, 2011

WASHINGTON- As most Americans struggle financially and unemployment stagnates at 9.1 percent, the federal government is under severe pressure to promote job creation. In response, key Republicans in Congress have done extensive research and issued a press statement that the major job creator for next year will be death. “Americans need jobs, but they must [...]

Cats Discover Internet, File Massive Lawsuit

October, 2011

SALEM, OR- Since their discovery of the Internet only months ago, Colorado-based cat-union Feline Advocates of America has begun preparations for a full-scale lawsuit against the Internet over what they deem a “clear violation of amendment rights to privacy.” Victims and their family members attempt to remain calm as years of unsolicited, personal footage continue [...]

Interfraternity Council: There were much worse things than racism going on during Roundup weekend

April, 2011

AUSTIN—On Monday, presiding officials of the Interfraternity Council (IFC) released a statement regarding the recent controversy surrounding the alleged racial incident at a ZBT concert during Roundup Weekend. “We understand that the campus community is concerned about the rumors regarding discrimination at this year’s Roundup and we will neither confirm nor deny the allegations until [...]

UT unveils plans to construct William S. Simkins Traditional Family Values Center

April, 2011

AUSTIN—This week, the University of Texas revealed plans to construct the William S. Simkins Family Values Center on campus. The announcement to build the new center came in response to a budget provision passed on April 1st by the Texas House of Representatives requiring universities that receive taxpayer funds to support gender and sexuality centers [...]

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Around Campus

• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.

• Slytherin President tweets: Potter assassination “tempting”