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Coachella Unimpressed by Lineup of Attending Fans

February, 2012

Coachella, CA – The Internet erupted last week as the lineup of attending fans to the Coachella Music Festival was released, much to the dismay of festival organizers. Main stage booker Taj Dhir was barely able to conceal an audible sigh of disdain toward the thousands of self-important music snobs who plan to tweeting through [...]

Skrillex Drops Groceries

February, 2012

LOS ANGELES – This Monday at Trader Joe’s, dubstep artist Sonny Moore, better known by his stage name Skrillex, dropped his groceries to the applause of fellow shoppers. “It was sick,” said witness Mickey DiFranco, Skrillex fan and amateur deejay, as he purchased bottles of water and pacifiers. “The drop was really nasty. There was [...]

Nation rejects SOPA, opts for ENSALADA

February, 2012

WASHINGTON — A week after large-scale national opposition to the Stop Online Piracy Act under consideration in the House of Representatives, it’s postponement was announced. U.S. citizens have collectively decided that perhaps ENSALADA would be nice instead. ENSALADA, described as a mezcla of fresh vegetables and intellectual property liability served with chipotle vinaigrette, has been [...]

All of Parents Weekend Devoted to “What is Hummus”

February, 2012

AUSTIN — This past parents’ weekend, families spent all of Saturday and Sunday trying to elucidate “what is hummus.” Samantha Sheppard, mother of a precious little electrical engineer, heard the term being used over and over again by knowledgeable college students and professors alike without any explanation. “All I’ve found out is that it goes [...]

Republicans and Democrats Settle Differences With Choreographed Knife Fight Under The Bridge

February, 2012

WASHINGTON — After a series of unsuccessful attempts at bi-partisan budget reform this week, Democrats and Republicans have decided to settle their differences with a highly choreographed knife fight under the bridge. “They cut our budget, we’ll cut them,” stated a furious Vice President Joe Biden, “preferably with lots of twirling and big-band jazz infused [...]

Handsome Pilgrim Wants To Befriend Natives

November, 2011

ROANOKE, VA – A fortnight after landing in the New World, the well-spoken and attractive young Jeremy Frost suggested to his less attractive colonists that they should attempt to befriend the land’s native inhabitants. “There is so much these people may be able to teach us,” explained Frost in a smooth, deep tone while gesturing [...]

Wife Absolutely Refuses To Do That

November, 2011

AUSTIN- At this moment in time, Janet Hutchison, longtime wife of Frank Hutchison, is completely positive she won’t do that. “I cook for Frank. I clean for him. I even take out the trash if I know he’s had a long day at work,” noted Janet, in defense of her actions. “But at some point, [...]

Beer Pong Players Find Paddles And Net, Invent New Game

November, 2011

NORTH CAMPUS – After finding two wooden paddles and a long, rectangular net, juniors Andrew Connolly and Brett Goodson came up with the idea of a new, tennis-like sport. “We ran out of booze and cups so we just decided to goof around with these weird little things we found,” explained Connolly. “Turns out our [...]

Info Session Pizza Almost Gone!

October, 2011

CAMPUS – Sources say that the UT Study Abroad information session is almost out of pizza! “You should hurry up and get in here,” said advisor Ted Driscoll. “It’s not like you have anything better to do. Why not stop by and learn about what we have to offer before it’s all gone?” As of [...]

Treasury Department Vending Machine Rejects Crisp New Dollar Bill

October, 2011

WASHINGTON – Greg Riefenstahl, an account manager at the U.S. Treasury Department, was flummoxed this week as a vending machine rejected his freshly printed 2011-issue dollar bill. “I don’t know what to make of it,” said Riefenstahl, as he pressed his hand forlornly against the front of the machine. “I swear this dollar is as [...]

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Around Campus

• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.

• Slytherin President tweets: Potter assassination “tempting”