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Info Session Pizza Almost Gone!

October, 2011

CAMPUS – Sources say that the UT Study Abroad information session is almost out of pizza! “You should hurry up and get in here,” said advisor Ted Driscoll. “It’s not like you have anything better to do. Why not stop by and learn about what we have to offer before it’s all gone?” As of [...]

Treasury Department Vending Machine Rejects Crisp New Dollar Bill

October, 2011

WASHINGTON – Greg Riefenstahl, an account manager at the U.S. Treasury Department, was flummoxed this week as a vending machine rejected his freshly printed 2011-issue dollar bill. “I don’t know what to make of it,” said Riefenstahl, as he pressed his hand forlornly against the front of the machine. “I swear this dollar is as [...]

Cuba Vows To Send Man To The Planet Hollywood By End Of Decade

October, 2011

HAVANA – In attempts to strike fear and awe into Cuba’s rivals and neighboring countries alike, President Raúl Castro announced plans to send a man to the Planet Hollywood by the year 2020. “Our socialist revolution has made great strides in recent innovation and technology,” Castro stated, pointing to his newly authorized rice cooker. “But [...]

Visiting Professor Talks Loudly About Portland

October, 2011

EAST AUSTIN – On Sunday, Dr. Theo Koenig, visiting professor of postmodern literature from the University of Portland, was overheard loudly talking to an associate about Portland, Oregon at a coffee shop in East Austin. “I can literally taste the unfair labor practices in this coffee. There is no way this is fair trade. They [...]

GOP Pushes For Job Creationism

October, 2011

WASHINGTON – In a press conference yesterday, House Republicans released a proposal for job creationism. The seven-day plan outlines the spontaneous generation of enough jobs to solve the unemployment crisis and, to delight of many, even includes a final paid sick day. Responding to democratic criticism, Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) responded, “Evidence that this [...]

Man In Wheelchair Waits For Couple To Finish Up In Handicap Stall

October, 2011

SACRAMENTO – Waiting for a lustful couple to finish their personal affairs in the handicap stall of a TGI Friday’s restroom, Martin Washburn, who suffers from paraplegia, sat patiently in his wheelchair. “I’m pretty used to it by now,” explained Washburn as he quietly tried to control his bowels. “Naturally there’s more room for two [...]

Rachel Maddow Compares Hitler To Hitler

October, 2011

NEW YORK – In her Monday night broadcast, MSNBC commentator Rachel Maddow proposed a connection between the policies and rhetoric of German leader Adolf Hitler and those of Adolf Hitler. “I don’t think it’s a stretch to say the way Hitler rose to power, set into motion the eradication of millions of people, and caused [...]

Area Man Substitutes Everything That Came With The Meal Deal

October, 2011

AUSTIN – After ordering the Amigo Meal Deal #3 at lunch this Wednesday, Bryan Pogue proceeded to substitute every food item included. “I didn’t want any of the things that came with it, but you just can’t beat that price,” he reasoned. The meal deal originally included beef fajitas and a choice of rice or [...]

Geography Jobs Outsourced To Somewhere In Asia

October, 2011

WASHINGTON- According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a significant amount of geography jobs have been outsourced to somewhere in Asia over the past decade. “At first we were thrilled to hear the news, but we were soon dismayed to realize that Asia is not actually in America,” said David Faustino, a member of the [...]

Author Learns Word ‘Elucidated,’ Plans To Use It Liberally

October, 2011

BOSTON – When local author Barrett Strnadel used the right-click-thesaurus for his second novel, he was delighted to learn the meaning of the word “elucidated,” and now plans to use it liberally. “I always felt stupid not knowing what such a fancy word meant, but now I can elucidate myself to everyone,” he stated while [...]

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Around Campus

• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.

• Slytherin President tweets: Potter assassination “tempting”