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A Letter From the Editor

February, 2012

Dear online reader, Please keep reading this even thought you don’t know me. Still here? Thank you. I know the internet can be distracting. I am the Editor-in-Chief of the Texas Travesty and this website. The Texas Travesty is the official humor publication of The University of Texas at Austin. Having whittled out magazine down [...]

I Kind Of Feel Like I Should Be Getting Laid More.

October, 2011

I realize I’m no Casanova or anything. My bench max is about 120 pounds, 125 on a good day. I know that often times my looks are described as “delicate.” Hell, I’ll even admit that my decision in early 2004 to shave my head might have caused me some image problems. Regardless, I still feel [...]

Point: My Eyes Are Up Here!

October, 2011

Um excuse me, can I help you? You’re staring at my chest. Yes, I’m talking to you! That’s so rude. I need you to look up here. I’m trying to tell you something important, so pay attention to my eyes and not my chest. There are more important things in the world than my boobs. [...]

Counterpoint: But We’re Down Here!

October, 2011

Hey! Good to see you again! Feels like the three of us always run into each other these days. Every time we look up, there you are looking down at us. Love it! Got any plans for the weekend? We had a blast at ACL. Seems like we saw every band. And we got quite [...]

I Support Gay Marriage, But I Ain’t No Homo.

October, 2011

I’m glad that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed. It seems to me that if a man wants to serve his country, I’d be damned if some gay-bashing Evangelist got in his way. He can even marry some other man if he wanted to. Hell, if someone were to come up to me today [...]

Don’t hate the player, hate the patriarchal social norms

April, 2011

Whoa, whoa, whoa missy. I saw that look you just gave me when I rolled up in my 2011 BMW M3 and took your parking spot. Before you start going off about what a smug asshole I am, let me just say this: Don’t hate the player, hate the society that gives you no chance [...]

I’ve heard a lot of Vanessa Carlton in my day and you, sir, are no Vanessa Carlton.

April, 2011

I don’t know what else I was expecting at $1 beer karaoke night, but it sure as hell wasn’t this blasphemous rendition of Vanessa Carlton’s “1000 Miles.” Have you even heard the song before, or did you just drunkenly decide that making a mockery of the most beautifully composed song of 2003 was a good [...]

You bring out the shitty Spanish accent in me

April, 2011

I saw you from across the room and it’s pretty clear that you’re the hot Latina chica de mis suenos. I just wanted to come over and say “hola” to you, and ask if you wanted to get a marrrgarrrita or something sometime. As you can probably tell from how I’ve been rolling my r’s, [...]

With a little work and can-do attitude, this can be the most racially sensitive team-building activity day ever

March, 2011

Alright team, I know we’ve had some setbacks this past year, what with Vice President McBurnett’s parole hearing and the mandatory sensitivity training workshop our HR department was forced to undergo after the “plantation incident” at last year’s leadership retreat (I know, it was a joke right? Although the minstrel version of the fight song [...]

Wow Grandpa, we really have nothing in common.

March, 2011

Alright Grandpa, I know this afternoon we’re spending together would be more comfortable if we attempted to communicate with one another, but I think it’s time we come to terms with the fact that there is no common ground for us to share. Maybe it’s your age, maybe it’s the fact that we’re from different [...]

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Around Campus

• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.

• Slytherin President tweets: Potter assassination “tempting”