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Khloe Kardashian Traded to the Real Housewives of Dallas

February, 2012

DALLAS — This past Tuesday it was announced that Khloe Kardashian would be traded to the Real Housewives of Dallas for Bravo’s next season of reality television. Standing at 5’10”, Kardashian played power forward for Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Khloe and Kim Take Miami. In a press conference Wednesday, Bravo executive Andy Cohen [...]

New Basketball Recruit Accidentally Attends Class

October, 2011

CAMPUS – Today, top basketball prospect Jared Williamson accidentally attended his first Introduction to Psychology lecture on his way to the gym. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was on my way over to coach’s office to watch some film, and next thing I know, I’m taking notes about Freud,” said Williamson. [...]

Dwight Howard Receives ‘Employee Of The Month’ Award At CarMax

October, 2011

ORLANDO – After a stellar four-week run, Dwight Howard has been named Employee of the Month at the CarMax on South Semoran Boulevard. The 6’11” center, previously employed by the Orlando Magic, was hired as a station attendant just three months ago and has consistently impressed management since his arrival. “What can I say? He’s [...]

Longhorn Quidditch Team Celebrates Victory Over Reality

October, 2011

AUSTIN–In an impressive display of broomsmanship and delusion, representatives from the University of Texas Quidditch team successfully overcame rivals A&M and reality last Friday night. Devon Crowley, freshman seeker, described the team’s performance as one of pure magic: “I can’t even describe how great it is to soar across the pitch, hearing the sound of [...]

Cleveland Cavaliers officially eliminated from next year’s NBA playoffs

April, 2011

CLEVELAND—Despite an offseason filled with high expectations the Cleveland Cavaliers came up short in their quest to win an NBA title and were officially eliminated from the 2012 NBA playoffs earlier this week. “To be honest, I thought we were done when we lost that 26th game,” stated first year coach Byron Scott, referencing the [...]

Man certainly has the look of a person who watches cars drive in circles for fun

April, 2011

AUSTIN—Preston Brown, a fifth year botany major currently residing on the 14th floor of Jester West, certainly looks like someone who enjoys watching cars driving in circles for fun, according to a cohort of residents who live in his residence hall. “I’ve watched him stare out windows for hours just watching cars turn around between [...]

UT baseball team hoping discovery of metallic objects in equipment room will reverse hitting woes

April, 2011

AUSTIN—A recent discovery in the equipment cage of the UT baseball locker room has the struggling Longhorns feeling optimistic about their chances to reverse their fortunes. The long, shiny metallic “thing-a-ma-bobs,” as head coach Augie Garrido calls them, will hopefully help the team improve on their current batting strategy, which prior to the discovery consisted [...]

The Travesty Covers Texas’ Spring Practice

March, 2011

This spring the Texas football team held closed practices, preventing the media from giving first hand coverage of the events. Fortunately, the Travesty hardly counts as media, and was able to observe the practices and take notes. Here is what we saw: Offense: • Offensive linemen were injected with placebo steroids to work up their [...]

Detroit Pistons hang gigantic “We’re still open” sign on arena

March, 2011

DETROIT—Sagging attendance figures at The Palace at Auburn Hills over the past few seasons has prompted Pistons owner Karen Davidson to commission a 50 ft. by 100 ft. banner to be hung over the arena’s entrance declaring that the building is in fact “still open” and that the Pistons are still an active member of [...]

GOP releases own NCAA bracket in response to Obama

March, 2011

WASHINGTON D.C.—Citing the remarkable accuracy of picks in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament as evidence of a “colossal failure” of his administration, the Republican Party released their own tournament bracket. According to ESPN, the President was ranked in the top one percent of all brackets at the the conclusion of the third round of the [...]

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Around Campus

• Hey baby, can I take you out to the VIP dining line sometime?

• My bowels move like Jagger.

• No shirt, no shoes, no service animals, or something like that…

• J. Edgar is about vacuums, right?

• I’m allergic to fire. I break out in agony.

• This is not a Beauty and the Beast themed party, that is my menorah.

• It’s like wine, only cooler!

• If you’re going to practice safe sex, make sure to remember the combination.

• Hey there hottie, want to take a look at my restricted network?

• Blackboard, your name doesn’t even make sense.

• Okay. Best pregnancy scare story. Go!

• Looks like I’ll be taking a course at ACC again.

• Google calendars should really have a party o’clock option.

• NBA players will refuse Kim Kardashian’s offers, resulting in a second lockout.

• Tragedy could have been avoided if everyone hadn’t updated their Facebook status before helping.

• For a TA you know an awful lot about this subject.

• Have you heard the NPR special on loneliness?

• This reggae song sounds the same when I’m high. MYTH: BUSTED.

• Did you catch Video Game Hour Live last night? Ok, I won’t spoil it.

• Coming this fall: Sassy Dude Dying Of Cancer starring Seth Rogen

• Sex is on my mind. GROSS! getitoffgetitoffgetitoff.

• Sorry hun, I’ve got Appletini-dick.

• Austin may not have produced Paranormal Activity 3, but it will promote the hell out of it. #AFF

• I’m glad we found el Dorado because I’m very partial about my tortilla chips.

• My dealer called it “Blue Dream,” but I’m pretty sure they call everything that.

• Qdoba: Chipotle of the night

• The six-hundred word cover article about campus bathrooms will highlight the questionable value ofthe Daily Texan.

• Your gay friend has been in the closet a long time, but that’s probably because he has a lot of clothes to choose from.

• Slytherin President tweets: Potter assassination “tempting”