Texas Travesty | What are you laughing at?

Khloe Kardashian Traded to the Real Housewives of Dallas

Shelby Wilson — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:02:14 +0000

DALLAS — This past Tuesday it was announced that Khloe Kardashian would be traded to the Real Housewives of Dallas for Bravo’s next season of reality television. Standing at 5’10”, Kardashian played power forward for Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Khloe and Kim Take Miami. In a press conference Wednesday, Bravo executive Andy Cohen stated that Khloe was traded for her “larger than life personality, sassy comebacks, and dunking ability,” to the shock of dozens of fans. “Now I really will be a ‘lone star,’” said Kardashian, whose move means finally breaking away from her role as sidekick to sister, Kim. However, husband Lamar Odom remains optimistic. “I’ll really miss LA, but as long as I find a good mojito place, I’ll survive.”

Special Report: Drumline Actually A Really Good Movie About Drumlines

Shelby Wilson — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:58:51 +0000

WASHINGTON D. C. – Last Friday, a special presentation was made to the House of Representatives recommending public awareness of the American sports-music-drama film, Drumline. Both unexpected and moving, the presentation shed light on the long-ignored fact that Drumline is actually a really good movie about drumlines.
Ever since its nationwide release on December 13, 2002, experts have strongly insisted the significance of Drumline as a part of the “movies about drumlines” lexicon, frequently complimenting the film’s realistic characterization and innovative plot. “The evidence is clear as day,” remarked speaker and pro-Drumline lobbyist Alonzo Waters, “Drumline absolutely requires a rental, if not purchase, for a viewer to understand the true intricacies of modern drumline membership.”
Although Waters is not a professional film reviewer or drum corps member, his background as Orlando Jones’s make-up artist during the movie’s production provided the insight and experience needed to address Congress on the issue.
“Drumline’s success hinges on the brilliant performance of Nick Cannon,” continued Waters. “His character’s difficult evolution from an prideful upstart high school snare drummer into a respected first-chair snare drummer is both heartbreaking and relatable. Also, there’s that funny white guy who plays the bass drum.” Waters pleaded all representatives to ignore partisan politics and admit that Drumline is a justifiably good movie about drumlines.
However, some Americans are having trouble accepting the claims. “I don’t remember much about this movie,” remarked 46-year-old Alabama native Janice Kruse, “But my son plays trumpet in marching band. Do you think I should buy it for him? It says it’s only 5 dollars.”
Still, there is a considerable effort in Congress to continue promotion of the film. “I’m very concerned with this issue, as Drumline impacted my life in more ways than I will ever know,” stated 52-year old businessman Austin Craiger, a frequent donor to Water’s lobby. “I had no idea what drumlines were like until I saw this movie,” he said, while comparing his Drumline DVD and VHS boxes. “Also, there’s this really funny white guy who plays bass drum. Man, I love that guy.”
Hollywood sources confirm that currently there are no new movies about drumlines in production or pre-production. Drumline advocates clearly see this lull as an opportunity to seal the film’s legacy as the definitive drumline-related movie of the past century. However, they maintain the importance of diversity when it comes to such films, and recommend fans of Drumline to experiment in watching other classic drumline movie genres, such as drumline noire and the classic 60’s spaghetti-drumline movies.
Before closing his presentation, Waters tearfully quoted Orlando Jones’ Drumline character, Dr. Aaron Lee, leading Congress in an enthusiastic chant: “One Band, One Sound!” He then announced a surprise performance by rapper Petey Pablo.

Seneca Co-op Adopts Stray Baby

Shelby Wilson — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:55:58 +0000

In an effort to prove the merits of their nontraditional housing, Seneca co-op has reportedly adopted a stray baby, adding one more housemate to their diverse family. Resident Hannah Kipp, who allegedly found the baby behind Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday, brought the child back to the co-op where it was welcomed with open, tattoo-sleeved arms.
“It was cold and hungry when I found it so we put it in a blanket and gave it a saucer with milk,” said 20-year-old college sophomore Hannah Kipp. “It’s so cute!”
In addition to being adorable and making the residents happy, many feel that caring for the child will work towards instilling a good work ethic in the co-op family members. “I think adopting this stray baby will teach us all a lot about accountability, which is an important trait to have for the future,” said Kipp, as she added “Full-time Babysitter” to her resume. “We’re encouraging all housemates to take turns feeding him and taking him outside to do his business,” Kipp added, while lining the floor with newspaper.
Since the adoption, witnesses have reported several disagreements regarding how the child should be raised, which the co-op hopes to settle during its general meeting this Thursday. “I think it is absolutely imperative that the child be raised a liberal, environmentally-friendly vegan,” Kipp stated. The vegetarian co-op is known for endorsing a green lifestyle, however, other residents feel that it may be unnecessary to raise the child in this manner. “Honestly, I don’t think it really matters what we teach it,” resident Alex Hodges stated. “Especially since we’ll just be feeding it left over scraps, you know? Who cares if it doesn’t like meat?”
While most residents are happy with the new addition to the family, philosophy grad student Jonathan Butler is concerned that the baby may compromise the spirit of the co-op. “Of course we don’t expect it to contribute financially,” Butler said. “But as a co-op we do expect it to help out in some way, whether that be cleaning, cooking, or simply picking up after itself. If it should decide not to comply, I’m afraid it may have to seek residency elsewhere.”
In a related story, missing baby posters have been seen posted on stop signs around West Campus as of last Thursday. The flyers claim that the child chewed through the chain link fence in its backyard after a particularly frightening thunderstorm and there is a $50 reward if found.

Sports good way for children to find purpose before crushing reality of adulthood

Shelby Wilson — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:55:29 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – A recent study by TIME reveals that sports such as football, basketball, and soccer are good ways for children to find purpose before entering into the crushing reality of adulthood. Because of ever-present high unemployment rates, the increasing amount of student loans, and the dismal quality of recent presidential candidates in the past several elections, experts say that if you are planning on finding purpose in life, you had better be under the age of eighteen and on a sports team.
This sad fact of life is especially difficult for recent college graduates to cope with. “For those indecisive about suicide, just look at the job market today,” said unemployed Harvard alum Dennis Phelan, as he finished the final knots on his rope. “However, youth sports teams are now accepting members, if you’re looking for a fun-loving good time!”
A follow-up report on Phelan shows that this statement was probably correlated to yet another one of his girlfriends leaving him. He is not the first to wish he could go back to his childhood days when it didn’t matter whether he was good at things like work or relationships. He stated, “My basketball team accepted me regardless of my failures as a human being.”
However, not all adults get the chance to play sports during their younger years. “My parents made me join the debate team,” recounted public accountant Derek Reynolds. “I have always wondered how different my life would have been if my parents had let me join a sports team. If I had one happy memory in my life to look back at, maybe I wouldn’t still be going to therapy six times a week.”
Experts suggest that 79% of adults rarely find any more fulfillment in life after leaving their high school sports team and most reportedly rot away in office cubicles, becoming part of the business machine run by cyborg bosses. Still, there is hope for younger generations to gain purpose through physical activity and a love of the outdoors.
“Yea, I like baseball. It’s really cool,” said ten-year-old Jimmy Morgan, about to run back to the field to give a final pep talk to his peers. “But I don’t think I want to be a pitcher when I grow up,” he added brightly, “I think I’ll be just like Daddy and ‘sell my soul to corporate America’ like Mommy says he did.”
As a result of the happiness and contentment that emanates from these teams of children, emotionally vacant grandparents, young couples, and friends have been drawn to watch these innocent league games. They have been spotted watching the children for hours and hours, reminiscing about times past when they too felt some purpose in place of the empty void now inside them.
For some of these adults, however, merely watching the game has not been good enough. As of press time, three adults have been asked to exit the field and leave behind their backwards-turned caps and futile efforts to achieve self-actualization.

A Letter From the Editor

Shelby Wilson — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:48:52 +0000

Dear online reader,

Please keep reading this even thought you don’t know me. Still here? Thank you. I know the internet can be distracting.

I am the Editor-in-Chief of the Texas Travesty and this website. The Texas Travesty is the official humor publication of The University of Texas at Austin.

Having whittled out magazine down to 12-page, ad-filled issues, I consider myself the best editor this publication has ever had. I’ve edited the feces out of this magazine and given UT students what they really need: less.

However, we now live in the information age, where all sweatshops have been eliminated by Mark Zuckerberg. For any magazine to survive in these trying times, it must consistently pollute the internet with content and lists. I could be wrong though. Are you still reading?

This semester, you can expect a nonstop stream of original content on our website, which will be updated as follows:

Mondays: News

Tuesdays: Opinion (Won’t be just me)

Wednesdays: Art

Thursdays: Sports

Fridays: Hentai

Saturdays: Nothing

Sundays: Nothing

The magazine will still exist in print form. Don’t worry, you can still throw it away once a month. That’s pretty much all I have to say right now.

Vagina,

David McQuary

Editor-in-Chief, Texas Travesty

Nation rejects SOPA, opts for ENSALADA

Shelby Wilson — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:33:26 +0000

WASHINGTON — A week after large-scale national opposition to the Stop Online Piracy Act under consideration in the House of Representatives, it’s postponement was announced. U.S. citizens have collectively decided that perhaps ENSALADA would be nice instead. ENSALADA, described as a mezcla of fresh vegetables and intellectual property liability served with chipotle vinaigrette, has been applauded for its more flexible copyright infringement definitions and subtle hints of cilantro. “I knew SOPA didn’t sound good to me,” said Webmaster Sonia Shah placing a napkin on her lap, “but ENSALADA is a little more manageable. Plus, no one’s going to judge me if I just have the parts I like.” Wikipedia plans to show its support for the new bill by directing all queries to the page for “ENSALADA (disambiguation).”

All of Parents Weekend Devoted to “What is Hummus”

Shelby Wilson — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:32:39 +0000

AUSTIN — This past parents’ weekend, families spent all of Saturday and Sunday trying to elucidate “what is hummus.” Samantha Sheppard, mother of a precious little electrical engineer, heard the term being used over and over again by knowledgeable college students and professors alike without any explanation. “All I’ve found out is that it goes with everything… and is yummus?” Confused parents petitioned that next year, parent Q&A forums on “how to pay for your kid’s tuition” would be replaced with discussions on current issues, like where to find cheap tahini.

Republicans and Democrats Settle Differences With Choreographed Knife Fight Under The Bridge

Shelby Wilson — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:31:40 +0000

WASHINGTON — After a series of unsuccessful attempts at bi-partisan budget reform this week, Democrats and Republicans have decided to settle their differences with a highly choreographed knife fight under the bridge. “They cut our budget, we’ll cut them,” stated a furious Vice President Joe Biden, “preferably with lots of twirling and big-band jazz infused with Latin beats.” President Barack Obama issued the challenge at the local soda jerk to Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), where the challenge was accepted, only on grounds that there be a giant number that showed off the Republican’s adeptness at swan leaps. Pundits at CNN remain undecided as to which group will champion. “On one hand Representative Barney Frank (D-MA) is not capable of the manual dexterity required to win such a Broadway-themed brawl,” said Anderson Cooper. “But Representative Ron Paul’s (R-TX) arthritic hands probably can’t even hold a knife, let alone perform the necessary chases in any graceful fashion.”

Handsome Pilgrim Wants To Befriend Natives

Shelby Wilson — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 21:38:33 +0000

ROANOKE, VA – A fortnight after landing in the New World, the well-spoken and attractive young Jeremy Frost suggested to his less attractive colonists that they should attempt to befriend the land’s native inhabitants. “There is so much these people may be able to teach us,” explained Frost in a smooth, deep tone while gesturing with his strong hands. His crew of bloated, flat-footed and altogether less visually appealing men responded to the suggestion with hesitance, but were predisposed to agree with Frost, given his visual appeal and charismatic charms. “Don’t worry lads, I’ll scout ahead and report back when I have spoken with the native leader,” concluded Frost as he effortlessly fastened a rifle over his chiseled shoulders and marched into the wilderness of the coastal plain. Upon reaching the tribe, Frost was immediately granted a princess-wife and a montage.

Wife Absolutely Refuses To Do That

Shelby Wilson — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 21:37:43 +0000

AUSTIN- At this moment in time, Janet Hutchison, longtime wife of Frank Hutchison, is completely positive she won’t do that. “I cook for Frank. I clean for him. I even take out the trash if I know he’s had a long day at work,” noted Janet, in defense of her actions. “But at some point, my generosity has its limits. What Frank asked me to do last Tuesday was my limit.” Frank has been largely quiet about the issue in question, at first refusing to speak to the media about his request. When pressed, Frank admitted it was a long shot at best, and that his wife did need the butter for cooking anyway.