News

Colt McCoy suffers shoulder injury in first sentence of proposal to girlfriend

When the unthinkable happens and Texas looses it's star quarterback, it's up to an inexperienced freshman to try to give the Longhorns a post season victory.
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Nigerian Martha Stewart makes flower pot out of skull

Matt Ingebretson
ABUJA—During another episode of her hit show, Abagbe Kanu, known by most as the “Martha Stewart of Nigeria,” demonstrated the steps in constructing a beautiful flower pot out of a skull, an item common in the region that has been plagued by near-continual sectarian violence and horrific violations of human rights.
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That guy always hanging out at Kohl’s apparently an employee

Michael Prohaska
ANAHEIM— The guy who spends a large amount of time hanging out at Kohl’s has been determined to be Luis Gonzalez, a 19-year-old employee who has worked at the department store for three years. Gonzalez has been seen walking around aimlessly inside the Kohl’s at Ventura Boulevard for months, and customers have largely assumed him to be just another person shopping inside the store.
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Parents’ Divorce Talk Interrupted by Chili’s Waiter

Dan Treadway
PLANO—While in the midst of a conversation revealing their impending divorce to their two children, Michael and Barbara Bradley were abruptly interrupted by Jeff Baker, their enthusiastic Chili’s waiter, who had finally brought out the family’s sizzling entrees.
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Poll: 29% of Boyfriends Unaware of Relationship

Marshall Dungan
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a recent poll by the Gallup Organization, 29% of American boyfriends are completely unaware that they are in a relationship with the women they see on a regular basis.
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Downsizing company introduces “Bring Your Kid and Make Them Work” day

Jon Neal
AKRON—Local tire manufacturer Treadwell Wheels observed what company President Alan Gainesboro is calling its first official “Bring Your Kid and Make Them Work” day last week in order to fulfill labor needs after a string of layoffs within the company. The event is an adaptation of the traditional “Take Your Daughter to Work” day, which was originally observed by the company on the third Wednesday of April. However, the company’s recent labor issues have forced the children of employees to stamp time-cards and work up to twelve hours at the office.
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School of Business makes strides in educating students on how to effectively dismantle economy

Matt Ingebretson
AUSTIN—Despite budgetary cutbacks and a recent string of layoffs, faculty at the McCombs School of Business have vowed to continue taking steps in educating students on the most effective ways to drive the US economy into oblivion.
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US students score ahead of world in recess aptitude tests

Michael Prohaska
WASHINGTON—American educators and parents have been in a state of celebration due to the release of a report by the International Student Development Center that ranks the United States as number one in recess aptitude tests for children aged 5 to 11.
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Toddler making a complete fool of himself

By Matt Ingebretson
CAPE COD—According to visitors at Bourne Park, an incredibly inconsiderate, obnoxious baby stampeded through the park screaming at the top of his lungs without any provocation, making a complete and total fool of himself on Monday. Park patrons reported that their visit to the park was all but ruined by the “jackass” toddler, whose actions they described as symptomatic of a belligerent and abusive alcoholic. On one occasion, the baby reportedly defecated in his own pants.
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Texas Congress passes concealed rocket launcher bill

Michael Prohaska
AUSTIN—The Texas Congress passed a bill Tuesday that will allow registered citizens to carry concealed rocket launchers on their person in public places. After months of heated debate, House and Senate Republicans were able to push the bill through by a narrow margin, and rocket launcher owners across the state are celebrating the momentous occasion.
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48 killed in place thankfully very far away from local man

Matt Ingebretson
AUSTIN—In another brutal attack by insurgents, or whomever it was, 48 civilians were killed and 67 injured in a place thankfully very far away from local man Henry Keeler. Keeler was sitting on his sofa when he tuned into CNN and saw that 48 civilians were massacred in a place that, thank God, is not even close to where Keeler lives, and was probably in one of those Middle Eastern or Arab countries or something like that.
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