CAMPUS – A recent investigation conducted by a group of UT graduate students found that the University of Texas is currently home to more than 30,000 unregistered sex offenders. The extensive study discovered that indiscretions ranging from sexual arassment to sexual assault occur at UT on a regular basis, but continue to go unreported because they are considered a normal
part of college life.

"We've found that thousands upon thousands of students have committed offenses warranting inclusion in the National Sex Offender Registry," said Christopher Tisdale, a doctoral student in sociology who led the study. "Approximately 900 sexual offenses occur in West Campus every weekend — mostly during and after large theme parties."

According to the study, the nature of sexual offenses can vary greatly. It includes use of sexual innuendoes, name-calling such as "bitch," "whore," or "bull-dyke," and bribes for oral sex as forms of sexual harassment. It also includes any unwanted physical contact, such as pinching, grabbing, and foot rubs. Upon release of the results of this study, students all over campus have been expressing shock over the findings.

"I thought there was something fishy about that guy — I forget his name and what he looked like — who had sex with me after the camo party," said freshman Katie Smith, whose dorm, Jester, currently houses approximately two thousand unregistered sex offenders alone. "Now that I know he was a sex offender, I'm really freaked out."

At this point the University has made no decision on what action to take in response to the findings. "We discussed the possibility of exposing every sex offender on campus by making them put up signs on their dorm-room doors and in front of every fraternity house, but printing and enforcing 30,000 signs is a logistical nightmare," said UTPD Chief Robert Dahlstrom as he sifted through reports of 6th Street molestation. "And there's no way we could possibly prosecute every person who has committed a serious sexual offense on campus — that would take years."

The report comes as a surprise to many students who feel as though their actions are perfectly within reason.
"Let me get this straight. Joey gets totally fucked up, passes out on the couch with his shoes on, and you're telling me I cant teabag him, take pictures, and put them on the internet?" said junior Jason Perks, a member of an unnamed fraternity who has reportedly committed this form of sexual assault on his own fraternity brothers 17 times. "I thought that's what I was supposed to do."

He added, "People need to lighten up. A few balls in the mouth of an unconscious person never hurt anyone."