BEIJING — In a highly controversial attempt to further impede the country's unsustainable population growth, Hu Jintao, President of the People's Republic of China passed a law yesterday that restricts each family unit to not only having only one child, but to keeping only one grandparent.

Officials explained that the current "family-planning" controls which limit families to one child have not had a lasting impact, and that more efficiently managing the elderly population by placing controls on their ability to exist in society will ensure China's continued prosperity.

"The law will require that all families choose one grandparent to keep from members of their extended family over the age of 70," said Premier of the State Council, Wen Jiabao. "No longer will the streets of Beijing be cluttered with the beloved, wise men and women happily living out their twilight years."

"Sorry grandma," added Jiabao.

The Chinese government has thus far been elusive in answering questions about the fate of all of the elderly not chosen by their families, stating only that they will be taken to "a place in the countryside where they can rest and become one with the world."

"This law should have been enacted years ago," said Li Keqiang, a Vice Premier of the State Council. "Our studies have shown that after the age of 70, most people stop working and simply sit around all day. China is a country for the industrious; an excess
of men and women who rely on canes and help walking up stairs will no longer be tolerated."

Officials have reported initial success in carrying out the actions set forth in the law. According to statements released by the Chinese task force in charge of taking the elderly to their new, non-existent place in society, none of the grandparents have put up any real resistance, and most of them have slept through the entire process.

"My husband went out to get squid for our dinner," said grandmother of four, Sun Tao, whose husband was taken by government officials three weeks earlier. "I'm very hungry."

While Chinese state media has sided with the government on the new law, calling it a "beacon of incredible-future hope for great-fantastic people of China," there has nevertheless been an outcry from the general public who are outraged at the prospect of losing their forefathers.

"My grandfather has been the patriarchal guide of our family for my entire life," said Guangdong province resident Wan Shaochun while he placed his arm around his weeping wife. "How can they do this to us? Why do they do this?" Shaochun then slammed his fists down on the table and shouted something about either the trials of living under an oppressive totalitarian regime or leftover rice patties.

As of press time, millions of Chinese grandparents were seriously considering organizing a protest as they nodded off in their armchairs.