Mr G.L. Anderson - Visibly drunk guest speaker
Texas Travesty: We hear that you are delivering a guest lecture in Professor Ganikowski’s Marketing 310 course today. What insights will you be sharing with the class?
G.L. Anderson: I’m going to start with a little monologue about my adventures in the real estate industry, and then I’ll probably kick my shoes off and give the kids a little bit of down-home advice, like never allowing your goddamned ex-wife to take your car keys after you been drinking all night and drive the kids to a cheap hotel outside of Reno...
Texas Travesty: We hear that you are delivering a guest lecture in Professor Ganikowski’s Marketing 310 course today. What insights will you be sharing with the class?
G.L. Anderson: I’m going to start with a little monologue about my adventures in the real estate industry, and then I’ll probably kick my shoes off and give the kids a little bit of down-home advice, like never allowing your goddamned ex-wife to take your car keys after you been drinking all night and drive the kids to a cheap hotel outside of Reno...
TT: That’s upsetting. Do you have a Powerpoint prepared for your lecture, or some sort of visual aid for your presentation?
GA: Nah. I’m just a fly-by-the-seam of my pants kind of guy. I’m a straight shooter with an eye for teaching kids how to manipulate the money market. Me and Ganikowski go waaaaaaaay back; you should have seen that guy slam down the brews back at Cornell. I wish we still had time for that, but then the bastard goes and marries my sister and my wife leaves me and.....goddamnit..... look at me; I’m a wreck, I’ve got no money, my kids hate me...
TT: Don’t say that! I’m sure your kids love you very much.
GA: Sure, but you’re not the one who forgot to pick them up from goddamn soccer practice three times last week. Ah, fuck it, let’s get this over with. Wait, where the hell is my laser pointer???
Turn-ons: Johnny Walker Red, seminar groupies, “the pitch”, Biff from ‘Death of a Salesman’, 5PM in general, bully pulpits, introductions, well-adjusted families, double Windsors, double-downs, three button double-breasted wool suits, 1981 Lincoln Continentals you’ve kept up since high school, free business luncheons, receptionists
Turn-offs: on campus parking, excessive questioning, open mic lectures, fatties, alimony, district attorneys, hotels without weekly rates, visitation rights, bookies, smoking bans, the IRS and their fucking audits
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to you. - Thanks, UT Safety alert, but I don’t need an auxiliary reason to run screaming from the RLM.
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- As long as you maintain your proud tradition of attractive young women in athletic shorts, you can lose as many bowl games as you like, UT.
- Students anxious to see J.D. Salinger’s last essays in the Harry Ransom Center will be disappointed to find that they’re just Animorphs fan fictions.
- HEY GUYS SERIOUSLY COME USE THE LIBERAL ARTS WRITING CENTER IT’S SUPER HELPFUL I’M SERIOUS!!!!!
- Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart.
- Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah.
- If you thought you could just sleep through every lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you were right. High-five.
- Turns out the study abroad assistant didn’t have an accent; that was a speech impediment. You did a funny impression, though.
- Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat Doritos at home.
- It wasn’t very becoming of Kansas State to chant “We Own Texas!” after they beat us. At least we had the class to refrain from chanting “We Own Indoor Plumbing!” in response.
- Everyone on campus let out a commemorative “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by once again.
