Hi, what’s up? I would shake your hand but you’re kind of in an awkward posi…one second…there we go. Ok, it’s very nice to meet you! I’m Jonathan and I’m a first year Mechanical Engineering major here at UT. I’m involved in the Society of Professional Engineers and enjoy playing intramural sand volleyball. I’m not sure if this is an awkward time to ask, but I was genuinely curious if we happened to be having sex right now.

Hold on, I need to take off my watch.

Now, I’ve heard all about it from my friends and I’ve seen it on TV a bunch of times, but something about this just seems off. First of all, we aren’t really all that naked. You’re still wearing your College of Natural Sciences T-shirt, and that’s fine and all, but I sort of envisioned you…not wearing that.

This is just pretty uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. I figured it was a seamless process, but my back hurts and you haven’t let out any passionate moans yet. I mean, we weren’t even planning on having sex or anything; I thought we were just messing around and then all of the sudden I think it might have become us fornicating.

Oh, my roommate’s asleep, don’t even worry about it.

I just noticed that your socks are on. There’s no way this can be sex. I’ve watched Showtime after midnight several times and the chick never has her socks on. I mean, is this really what all the fuss is about? I was just having a good time with you and then all of the sudden things became really pensive. You keep staring at me with those soulless eyes of yours. Am I doing this right? What am I doing exactly? If this is sex, does that mean we can’t chit chat?

I think what’s throwing me off is that we didn’t really set this up with a “let’s have sex” moment. I figured we’d at least be somewhat intimate beforehand; maybe even possibly shaking hands. Honestly, I don’t know how things escalated to this. We were just talking about the salad bar at Jester City Limits and then, boom, I’m pretty sure I’m inside you.

I…don’t know where to put my left arm.

I’m not sure what the emotional repercussions of this experience will be, but on a physical level, this isn’t so bad, I suppose. I heard Megan Fox was supposed to be in the new Batman movie. She certainly has a fitting last name...am I right? Am I right? No, wait, please don’t leave! I was kind of interested where this whole thing was going!
Can you at least Febreeze the place before you go?