Fall 2009 Reality TV Preview
Bend Over and Love MeRick Perry is offering 8 sexy death row inmates one last chance at a governor's pardon. Challenges include the Soap Bar Olympics, the Anal Smuggling Challenge, and the final elimination Shank-Off. Contestants will receive a single phone call confessional, and this season will feature the return of last season's winner "Pudge," who is back in Cell Block A after a string of child kidnappings! Tune in 7PM Eastern or whenever visiting hours are permitted. |
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Bitches Bein' BitchesBitches move into a house and start bitching about other bitches and hoes. Bitches then complete a series of tasks and bitch about some more bitch shit. Goddamn, these bitches won't shut the hell up about all of their bitch problems! Watch as Foxy Bitch bitches at Baby Bitch until she has a mental breakdown! Don't miss it when Crazy Bitch chokes Funny Bitch in the hot tub, and then they make out! Tune in to VH1 every day this week to catch all of the bitchin' action! |
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Falling into a Downward Spiral of Drug Use and Alcoholism With the StarsThis fall, ten washed up celebrities get together under the Brooklyn Bridge with only their heroin needles and 40 ounces to drink away the last bit of dignity associated with their careers. Contestants such as Nick Nolte, Paula Abdul, and Tara Reid gather together in truly humiliating fashion to laugh, cry, laugh again, vomit, and inject their problems away into a bottomless hole that they will never escape from. Tune in next week to see guest star Macaulay Culkin hit a new low! |
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Are you smarter than a 5th Year Senior?This hilarious game show pits contestants from around the US against students still holding less than 120 hours after 5 years at UT. Marvel as grownups are put in the hot seat, fielding questions in topics ranging from Freshman Seduction to lower-division Calculus. Don't count out the adults though; contestants get help from recent graduates who are actually doing something with their lives. |
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My Super Shitty 16Get read for your worst birthday ever! Mom's abusive, dad's an alcoholic, brother is a real piece of shit, and no one remembered your special day. Spend a day with the saddest sixteen year old on the planet celebrate at the local Applebee's. Oh, and one more thing: Bobby Wilkerson, the captain of the baseball team, thinks you're a total loser, and he'll never date you. |
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Venezuela's Next Top DictatorWatch as 10 revolutionaries strut down the national mall and attempt to depose Chavez in this year's hottest coup d'état! The gorgeous guerillas will be challenged to smuggle coke in style and flown to beautiful Fiji, where they'll compete to overthrow the small island's government. Guest judges Kim Jong Il, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Fidel Castro will be on hand to determine who will win the grand prize: a socialist country of his own, filled with 26 million loyal, submissive citizens. |
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- At least your Prius will be fuel efficient and environmentally friendly while it’s rapidly accelerating through the streets killing people.
- We’ll take this opportunity to jinx our basketball team. We’re calling it: UT Basketball National Championship 2010!
- That douchebag in the study room still thinks everyone loves listening to him play piano.
- Congratulations to Jordan Shipley for finally earning enough credits to graduate!
- Doppelganger week was a remarkable study in the vast divide between how beautiful you think you are versus how average you actually look in real life. Yes, I’m specifically referring
to you. - Thanks, UT Safety alert, but I don’t need an auxiliary reason to run screaming from the RLM.
- When there’s beer in the basement, frat guys stand adjacent.
- Realizing that he only has a few short months left in office, SG President Liam O’Rourke will use his authority to create an even larger cardboard cutout of himself in the Co-Op.
- As long as you maintain your proud tradition of attractive young women in athletic shorts, you can lose as many bowl games as you like, UT.
- Students anxious to see J.D. Salinger’s last essays in the Harry Ransom Center will be disappointed to find that they’re just Animorphs fan fictions.
- HEY GUYS SERIOUSLY COME USE THE LIBERAL ARTS WRITING CENTER IT’S SUPER HELPFUL I’M SERIOUS!!!!!
- Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart.
- Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah.
- If you thought you could just sleep through every lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you were right. High-five.
- Turns out the study abroad assistant didn’t have an accent; that was a speech impediment. You did a funny impression, though.
- Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat Doritos at home.
- It wasn’t very becoming of Kansas State to chant “We Own Texas!” after they beat us. At least we had the class to refrain from chanting “We Own Indoor Plumbing!” in response.
- Everyone on campus let out a commemorative “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by once again.
