Well, that certainly was unfortunate. Times like this make my job as regional sales manager even tougher than usual. We’ve lost McNeil and no amount of new accounts will bring him back. It is our responsibility however, to work together and value his sacrifice to our office and our team. The fact is, only by working as an efficient, synergistic and cooperative unit, can we cover up today’s manslaughter.

After all, a police investigation would lead to prolonged inquiries into our safety standards and would decrease our future productivity, undermining McNeil’s years of service to the rest of us and to our valuable customers. Our corporate culture has always embraced the respect and equal treatment of all of our employees, and we must all remember to maintain this as we work together to dismember and dispose of the corpse of our assistant manager.

McNeil was always a team player and his decapitation has already done some of the work for us. Still, only by using the G.R.O.W. Model can we reach our “Goal” of concealing this manslaughter, assess the “Reality” of our office’s involvement in this brutal death, weigh the “Options” of investing in a hatchet versus a meat cleaver, and develop the “Will” to work as a team to cut up this body and dispense of the individual parts.

Although some of us will be responsible for burning McNeil’s clothes and others will be responsible for hiding his car, we must remember that we are all working towards the same goal.

We will work within our core competencies to hide all of the evidence. Julie, we will need you to bury the hair follicles and fingernail clippings in the lot behind the office. Ned, we will need you to clean up the pools of blood near the copy machine and under the bagel table. Stephanie, we will need you to get some biodegradable trash bags to carry the body parts and continue embracing this company’s devotion to corporate social responsibility.

Mitch, your fingerprints are all over this, so we will definitely need to get you far, far away from here.

We will need to minimize our bottlenecks and maximize our synergy. Every finger you chop off and every tooth that you drill out to prevent dental identification represents the hard work of all 30 people in this office. By the close of business today, I expect there to be no way for McNeil’s concerned family to identify the body.

It is vital to remember that we are not here to bolster résumés or boost egos. We are here to preserve this company’s core values by hiding this work-related death. We are here to honor one of our own by dismembering his dead body and pretending he never came into work today.

We’ve got a long day ahead of us. So I recommend you all join me for a team power-lunch at the Olive Garden before we begin. McNeil’s treat!