AUSTIN—After nearly a decade of research and years of trial studies, the nation’s premier homeless nutritionist Albert Haney is finally revealing what he calls nature’s best kept secret to a healthy diet: food.

“My research indicates that one’s appetite and the body’s nutritional needs are best fulfilled by consuming food,” Haney announced to a group of homeless men and women standing next to the dumpster outside Jack in the Box. “I have found that food not only relieves the discomfort felt from malnutrition, but that it is essential to preventing debilitating diseases such as starvation.

The diet derived from Haney’s research is unique because it veers away from the traditional food pyramid. Instead, Haney advocates a proximity-based system, which recommends eating whatever happens to be in reach.

“If something can be put into the mouth, swallowed, and digested, it is likely beneficial to one’s health,” said Haney. “Soup, leftover pizza crusts, orange peels; any of this can be eaten to prevent premature death.”

“Earlier today I ate what appeared to be dog food,” added Haney. “And I’ve never felt better.”

While Haney’s new lifestyle choice primarily revolves around finding and consuming food, it comes with its own share of restrictions. The diet is particularly noted for prohibiting exercise in order to conserve vital calories, a guideline that challenges years of
established research.

“Exercise burns valuable calories needed to find more food,” said Haney. “Each meal should be followed by a desperate search for the next one. And don’t forget about the times when you will have to fight to the death for a scrap of food. You’ll need all the calories you can get for that.”

The discovery has sent shockwaves throughout the homeless community, with hundreds now abiding by a food-based diet and making their own discoveries about the challenges of healthy living.

“It’s hard to find time to eat a meal with my busy schedule of yelling at people and drinking,” said Henrietta Gray, who has been homeless for most of her adult life. “The other day, however, I did find the time to eat some gum. I can’t thank Dr. Haney enough for creating a system that is specific to my fast-paced lifestyle.”

While rummaging knee-deep in a dumpster, wandering vagrant Joe Harper praised the system for its ground-breaking approach to the new culture of eating: “Before I learned about Haney’s diet, I probably would have tried to eat this rusty screw I just found. Now I know that it’s not very good for my health.”

Despite Haney’s revolutionary research, others still question the validity of Haney’s findings. Carl Martin, who has been homeless for over twenty years, claims that the advice isn’t entirely plausible.

“I’ve heard him spout that new-age crap for weeks now and I’m sick of it,” said Martin. “I’ve lived on nothing but crystal meth since the mid-90s, and there ain’t nothing wrong with me.”

“Now do me a favor and help me find that tooth that just fell out,” added Martin.

Although Martin was later seen eating a fully packaged Fruit Roll-Up, Haney agreed that food-based diets aren’t for everyone.

“I should note that my nutritional advice only works for those who really want to live,” Haney said. “I recommend consulting a doctor to see if avoiding the long and agonizing starvation process is best for you.”

In a follow-up study that strays from his nutritional studies, Haney is rumored to be testing the hypothesis that houses provide better overall living conditions than cardboard boxes found in trash heaps.