Abigail Fisher named UT head coach

by: Nick Mehendale

AUSTIN – In the wake of Mack Brown’s departure from the Longhorn football program, the University has announced that former UT applicant and LSU graduate Abigail Fisher will be named the new head coach for the 2014-15 season. “Though I have neither played football in my life nor have the qualifications to fulfill this position properly, I am happy that the University has allowed a white person such as myself to be head of such a prestigious program,” said Fisher before listing all of the extracurricular activities, such as math club and bowling, that brought her into contention for the position. “I know they were considering other candidates such as Louisville’s Charlie Strong to take over the role, but in the end they decided that he had too strong of a record in both football and being black to be able to run the program as it should.” As of press time, Fisher has instituted separate-but-equal practices for black and white players, not deciding yet where to place light-skinned Hispanics.

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